This past year has really been a doozy. For most of us, our lives have been upended in ways we could have never anticipated or prepared for. And that leaves many of us parents in a lurch. Even if what we were doing – the family dance – was working, and healthy and everyone had their boundaries respected and their needs met, that’s probably not the case now. For many of use self care goes out the window and then I had a reframe – Parenting YOURSELF.
Let me explain…I was lamenting to a friend how distance learning is so hard to manage. I felt like I was at a point where I didn’t even have time for the basics because everything is SO BUSY. I was skipping meals, skipping vitamins, skipping showers. My bedtime was being pushed later and later and my sleep was suffering – as well as my daytime brainpower.
My friend heard me. Then paused. Then she asked “Do you ever let your kids do any of that?”
“No. I suppose I don’t.”
“So why aren’t you treating yourself as good as you treat them? Stop rebelling against yourself and parent YOURSELF.”
Wow.
That kinda stung, but it was just the reframe I needed.
What I did next
I sat down with myself and did some Active Listening. What were the needs I had that weren’t being met?
I needed sleep, energy, peace and that often came in the form of regular meals, daily vitamins, more frequent showers, and an earlier, more appropriate bedtime for my sleep needs. Then I set out to do some problem solving.
Regular meals that met my dietary needs could be solved by meal planning and food prep.
Taking my daily vitamins was a cheap and easy solve – a daily pill dispenser.
I added daily exercise to my schedule, at a time that would not take away from being accessible during distance learning, and also allowed me to complete whatever housekeeping and work tasks I had on the docket.
Does this mean that distance learning will now be magically easier and less stressful? Not. At. All. But it does mean that I can go into it each day feeling better. I had a huge blind spot. I was missing meeting some of my basic needs and it was making things harder.
Self care isn’t always massages and manicures. Self care starts with the basics! Take care of yourself like a parent would. Hold yourself to the same standards of care you hold for you kids.
Here’s how to get started on YOUR basics:
What needs do you have that aren’t being met?
What are some possible solutions? Make a list and enlist help from your kids if you need to. They are wonderful for ideas that are outside of our “adult” box.
Which of these solutions is doable, right now, and will work for the whole family?
Write it up to keep it fresh in your mind. Add reminders to your calendar or make a daily checklist.
When a solution you thought would work just ISN’T, engage your flexibility muscles and try to find a new solution instead of trying to slog through.
The bonus here is that these same tools work for your partner, other caregivers, and your children. And by modeling how important the basics are, we can show our kids what self care looks and feels like.
These tools for listening, communication, and problem solving are key to parenting respectfully. Self care isn’t just developing routines and systems, but also communication that works. Understanding, developing, and practicing these tools are part of caring for yourself as well. You can’t do the work without the tools. And the right tools for the job make all the difference. If you are new to respectful parenting, or a long time life learner needing a refresh, please join my online book study “Beyond the Book” as we dive into P.E.T., learn the techniques, practice them together, and get valuable coaching with a cohort of like minded caregivers.
You might also like:
Parents Needs Matter: The Art of Self Care
How Recognizing Limits can Save Your Day
A Guide to Self Care for Parents – Waterford.org
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