– by Elizabeth
The decision to stay home with my baby wasn’t an easy one for me. I grappled with it for months before I decided that logic and my heart were telling me it was the right thing to do for our family.
Around the same time I was figuring out my decision, the book Lean In came out, and it seemed the feminist agenda was all around me in the form of advice.
I know it was all coming from a good place, but what ensued was a lot of comments about why I should continue to work vs staying home that weren’t all that supportive. With that:
What NOT to Say to a Stay at Home Mom
1. Most women who stop working never go back. Aren’t you worried about your career dying?
2. Think about how this will impact your long-term income potential. Even staying home a year can severely hurt your future salary.
3. What sort of role model will you be for your daughter if you stay home? Don’t you want to show her what she can accomplish?
4. What will you DO all day? Won’t you be so bored?
5. Don’t you want to contribute to society more?
6. Being home with your kid all day will drive you crazy. It’s so monotonous – your brain will turn to mush.
7. Think about how this will change your relationship with your husband. Won’t it be hard for him to see you as an equal if you’re not bringing in any money?
8. It’s good for your kid’s social development to be in daycare. Don’t you want him to be around other kids?
9. You’re too talented to stay home and wipe butts and make snacks all day.
10. Eliminating your income will put a lot of pressure on your husband.
BONUS! 11. Having a career will give you a back up plan should you ever find yourself on your own because your husband leaves you.
Yes unbelievably ALL of these comments have been made to me at some point in the 8 months since I’ve become a mom (3 of which I’ve been a SAHM mom for).
At the time they stung. A lot. But I decided to shut out these advice-givers and follow my heart. I’m so glad I did because I love being a SAHM.
So, are you wondering what TO say to a new SAHM? Or a new mom contemplating staying home? How about this:
Every woman is in a different situation. You should do whatever is best for your family and for your happiness. The most important thing for your baby is to have a happy, fulfilled mommy – whether she’s working or staying home.
What terrible things did people say to you SAHM’s? What do you wish they had said?
Stay tuned for the second part of this blog series – 10 Thing Not to Say to a Working Mom.
ten and eleven are the two that I heard the most from my husbands family. The comments I love hearing are ones like ‘that’s awesome that you are in a position to do what makes you the happiest Mom you can be!’ All mom’s deserve to make the choices that make them happy, even if others don’t agree with it. Do what is best for you and your family!
As a mom who MUST work outside the home, this was never a part of my life. But I can appreciate just how USDA-choice ludicrous most of these statements are upon the first moment’s simple reflection. In my world, no one ever says anything horrible to a stay at home mom. Instead, I wish they said, “You are blessed. I wish every mother got the chance you’re getting.”
Really like your article…
(And have come to love this website; a veritable TED talks on parenting and life 🙂 ).
( I sincerely mean no dis-service as I write; merely pose a conclusion to this logic for the predicament I stand).
“Where a happy fulfilled mommy is the most important thing”
If you can’t get enough sleep, when support is low and the knock on effects of fatigue overwhelm you… When you cry each night whilst wrestling the complicity of engaged modern parenting … RIE and the unrelenting thought that groundhogs only do.
Does logic follow then to give up on SAHM ?
Or persevere in the blind hope the next breakdown doesn’t cause them harm or where the fragility of control serves some long term effect.
Yours sincerely,
Working dad of two listening to wife breaking down, struggling to cope, and searching for direction… On how to support her and our family… For what is best.
Ps. Perhaps I should just be patient and wait for part 2! 🙂
Keep up the blogs.
Daddy Doo – so sorry I missed your comment and question!
Honestly I do think having a happy mommy is what’s best for the kids. It’s hard to be engaged and present for your kids when you’re sleep deprived, annoyed, sad, lonely etc. And I think they pick up on it quickly.
First I’d encourage your partner to get lots of sleep. However possible. Even if that’s hiring some help for a few hours a couple times a week to get some rest. I also don’t have a big support system outside my husband (no family nearby and we just moved, so no close friends) and having a few good babysitters on speed dial works wonders.
Second, if she needs more social stimulation or just time away from the day to day life of a SAHM to be happy, that’s completely fine in my book. And you guys should figure out how she can do that. Maybe it’s a job. Maybe it’s joining a Gymboree class. Maybe it’s an acting class she enjoys.
Finally, rest assured that as a new mom your partner is going through a massive life change. Everything changes when a woman becomes a mom and sometimes it’s difficult to let go of who you were and discover the new you. I can tell by your comment you are a loving, thoughtful partner for her and will help her however you can to “find” her new life.
Daddy doo… don’t come to any conclusions mid-breakdown.
Audrey will chime in, I’m sure, but the dark moment when you Must Have an Answer is never the best moment to implement an answer. Take one more deep breath. Take one more walk around the living room. Take one more walk around the house. Take one more walk around the block. Find the perseverance in the moment and take it and tomorrow the sun will rise. And your wife will curse it. Let her have 30 dark minutes under the covers if you can.
Poetic and beautiful.
Thank you Sarah.
Daddy Doo
Coming from a SAHM who was also a single mum with husband working overseas: If you can, don’t just give her 30 minutes. Give her an entire day for the gloom to lift and for her to see your family in a different light.
It’s hard to lift the gloom but time away, time to reconnect with herself is so vitally important.
Yes. A whole day. Half a day. Any minutes that you can. Perspective is a funny thing– always available, yet so hard to grasp.
Daddy doo
I’m going to take a guess that baby number two is a newborn or small infant. That first year is hard! So so hard but then while you’re not looking it slowly gets easier. There are setbacks of course but it does get better. A scheduled babysitter helps quite a bit – a neighbor girl after school just to come even while she’s home helps and she must must must use this time for herself not for chores!
I’ve been told no. 6 but it hasn’t bothered me too much. However, I suspect some friends and family members have thought about making comments about my suspended career.
I read a lot about children psychology. Children learn to socialize with their parents. Pre school is not necessary, but some may use it the year before their children go to school so can they get used to the new routine. I like this approach.
I think all advice given to Daddy Doo is great, but sometimes medication is necessary. I’d definitely see my GP if I were feeling like her.