We’ve all been there – when we ask our kids to do something or we give them some um… “constructive criticism” they come back at us with anger, withdrawal, and defensiveness and they certainly don’t want to listen to us in that state of mind. Our well-meaning feedback or instruction falls on deaf ears. They can’t seem to take anything we say easily. Typically that’s because of HOW we are saying it. Things like – “I can’t understand you when you’re whining.” “ If you wouldn’t poke your brother, he’d leave you alone.” “If you put things away, you could find things easier.” These expressions send underlying messages to our children of blame, and the natural reaction to blame? You guessed it – anger, defensiveness, and withdrawal.
When we say, “You’re whining” a child hears, “I don’t like that you’re upset and I’m not comfortable with your feelings.” “If you didn’t provoke him then it wouldn’t have happened” becomes “you did something to deserve this.” If you would have put your things away..” becomes “it’s your fault you can’t find it.” None of these things help the child who is upset.
Why Your Kids Don’t Listen to You
Often times we need to listen to them first and once they are calm, then they can hear our message. However, if we are asking them to do a perfectly reasonable thing, it may just be how we are saying it. The most common problem parents want my help with is “getting their kids to listen” and almost always my solution to that is “getting the parents to talk differently.” Most parents don’t get heard because their kids don’t understand what they mean or what they want. The messages parents are sending are vague and unclear to a young and developing brain. Instead, we want to give children the information they need so they can WANT to help us rather than RESIST helping us.
If resistance is a problem in your house here are a few simple shifts in the way you talk that can help your child help you:
Stop Using Adjectives So Much
Adjectives are subjective, something beautiful to you may be atrocious to your spouse…kind of like the amazing flower sculpture I bought for that empty corner of our house. I thought it was just the thing, my husband thought it was weird and quirky. Needless to say, we both had different adjectives in mind to describe the wonderful artwork!
Kids are the same – “messy” to us is often just right to a child, they know exactly where everything is. “Rude” is often sticking up for themselves, “disrespectful” is a form of retribution and hurt feelings – a sign of a rift in a relationship. “Lazy” is relaxing or unwinding, “inconsiderate” is forgetful, “loud” for us equals exciting for them. You get the point, adjectives just aren’t getting the point across and even worse, they are often taken as insults, judgments or labels and met with, you guessed it, defensiveness. I mean if my husband told me my beautiful flower sculpture was a “waste of money” I surely would not want to change my behavior, in fact, I might even go out and get another one, you know if I was 12… or something.
Say What You See Instead
Instead of telling your child to pick up his messy room, say what you see – toys on the floor and an unmade bed. NOW he has enough information to know what you mean. He doesn’t have to guess which part of the room looks messy to you – it’s now CLEAR. It’s the toys on the floor and the unmade bed you don’t like! Now he gets it! Now he can listen.
Telling your child you don’t like it when he calls dinner disgusting rather than telling him to stop being ungrateful is a lot more clear. It lets him know what specific thing you want him to stop so he can do better next time. Saying that bikes are in the driveway is a lot more clear than telling them they are inconsiderate or disrespectful.
In general, if you can take a picture of it or record it with a microphone, it’s a clear description of the behavior you don’t like (or like!). If you can’t see it, hear it or feel it, it’s probably an adjective and will leave a lot of room for error.
Then Add the “Why” In
Now that a child knows exactly what you mean they can start to listen and the next step is to tell them why or how it impacts you. Another adult is going to know what you mean when you say for example… “I’m on the phone.” And that is often enough information for an adult to move away or quiet down, but a child isn’t going to connect the dots. They’re going to wonder why you are telling them something so blatantly obvious. If instead, you say, “When you laugh and yell when I’m on the phone I can’t hear Grandma.” Now they know how they affect you and can choose to move away or modify themselves voluntarily, no force or yelling necessary. Even better, they’ve just taken a step towards problem solving and consideration.
Now Talk About Feelings
It’s gonna be ok – you can talk about feelings, everyone has them, they don’t have to be all goopy or scary. Once they know the behavior and the impact on you, you can now say how you feel about the impact. Careful to note that the feelings are attached to the effect, not the child, attaching them to the child can sound blameful instead of factual. “When the toys are on the floor, I worry that I might trip on something” gives the child much more information and they can act on that information willingly. For a positive example, “I love it when you let the dog out when she scratches at the door so I don’t have to come downstairs. Thank you.” Keep in mind the more you tell them how they affect you in positive instances, the more they’ll help you when you need it.
These three things combined, give the child information about you as a real person. They help them see you as a genuine person rather than in a ‘role” of the parent. You are a person with your own unique likes and dislikes and the more they know about you, the better the relationship will be. No yelling necessary.
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