I was at the pool a few days ago when a friend told me a story about being the recipient of criticism at the grocery store last winter. It’s 98 degrees out now and she’s still carrying it around, as we tend to do. Stories like this stick with us and mess with our self-esteem. We can also use these stories to move on with grace, offer forgiveness and in turn to give someone a positive story they will carry with them through all the winters. We know how it feels, so let’s collectively not do that. Instead, let’s do an equally outstanding positive version so someone will carry that with them for a lifetime. Let’s balance the scale and start spreading compliments like glitter bombs.
My friend was shopping with her son – it was a little cold, but still, we’re in San Diego, “cold” is 60 degrees. People from places like Wisconsin swim in our oceans when it’s that cold. It’s all relative. Regardless, this friend has 3 kids, one set of twins and another son. She was out with one child when a woman told her it was cold and her son should have a coat on. She waved it off and said, “Oh, I told him that, he didn’t want it.” The response, “Well, we know who runs your house.”
Wait. Wut? There are so many things to unpack here and all of them say more about the person judging than they do my friend.
Point One: This was her one day alone with one of her three children. Don’t yuck people’s yum.
Point Two: It was only sixty degrees. WHO CARES!
Point Three: Her son knows if he’s cold or not. It’s HIS body!
Point Four: Even if he was cold, the coldness taught him a much better lesson than a nagging mother could. It’s called learning the hard way, or a NATURAL CONSEQUENCE. I’m sorry, but natural consequences are my parenting go-tos. What better teacher is there in life than nature?!
Point Five: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it. If you feel like being judgemental or critical that’s about you, not another person. Your window of acceptance for other people is only as big as how accepting you are of yourself. Think about that for a minute. The more critical someone is of you, chances are they are like that to themselves…all day long. It’s not about you.
How to Respond to Criticism
Sometimes its easier to do nothing and that’s often appropriate. Sometimes, though, you just want to respond to people who say stuff like this, if for no other reason than to show your wonderful child how much you love him and that other people don’t define your day, your mood, or you for that matter. I have adopted a very short saying that I feel empowers me to continue on with my positive mindset and hopefully change the other person’s mindset as well. It’s simple and yet effective.
“I appreciate that you’re worried for him. We’re having a really great day together. I hope you do too!”
Said in a sincere way, this can be powerful. Firstly, it gets you out of explaining any of your decisions about why you parented they way you did, it also allows the person to exit with grace, and it shifts your mindset to empowered rather than defeated. Lastly, it shows your kid that you stick up for him, you don’t let other people get you down and you can even lift them up in the process. Like I said before- it doesn’t have to define your day or your self-worth.
What to do When You See a Parent in Public
Next time you see a mom or a dad with completely happy kids, out enjoying themselves, you know what you need to say? Nothing. Zip it, let them have their relationship time, it’s rare especially when you have multiple children. It’s called tolerance and it means you live and let live and know that it’s ok for people to be different than you and still navigate this thing called life perfectly well. If you’re really feeling up to it, tell that parent “Hey, you are really rocking this mom thing.” (or this Dad thing)
This is especially true if you see a parent having an exceptionally hard time with their child in public. This parent is rocking it even harder. They are rocking all their compassion, patience, embarrassment and using it for good, to raise people that won’t go out in public and tell people they are doing it all wrong.
Next time you see a parent in a grocery store or anywhere at all here are some things to say, in case you want to really light someone up:
You are AMAZING!
You are Mom-ing SO HARD!
You are Rocking it!
You got this Dad thing DOWN, don’t you?
You’ve GOT this!
You are AMAZING! (Because it should be repeated often!)
Heck, you can even do this randomly! After hearing her story of criticism at the pool we watched our friend get into the pool with ALL of her kids and play with them while we sat on the sidelines with our lattes and my other friend said to me “Should we yell to her that she’s amazing?’ “Oh, we totally should do that,” I replied. So we yelled “Look at you having so much fun with your kids! YOU ARE AMAZING!” she looked at us and laughed and yelled, “Thanks guys that actually felt really good!”
And I bet that will stick with her even longer than the criticism she still carried with her from winter all the way until the 5th of July. Go be someone’s light, let them carry stories like that and spread them far. We all deserve it. We all have our stories. Go be someone’s good story.
Because YOU ARE AMAZING TOO!
You might also like:
Why Are People So Rude to Children? – Respectful Parent, Guest Post by Jeannie Miernik
Forgiving Ourselves After Those Bad Parenting Moments– Larissa Dan, Parent Skills, AU
Leave a Reply