How Asperger’s Makes Me a Better Mom

  – by Maria Lee

“Neeeeeh,” wails my son.  “Aww, baby bear.  You’re hungry?” I ask.  “Neeeeeeh.”  “Okay, cutie.  Let me get ready for you to eat.”  I get ourselves cozied up in the glider and he starts nursing eagerly.  A feeling of warmth, happiness and love wells up inside of me and the let down comes – tingly!  He eats contentedly while I turn to my Nook and resume my Psych marathon to stay awake.  Oh, the 4am feedings with a 1 month old!

 So what do I mean when I say Asperger’s makes me a better Mom?  Why not the “best” Mom or doesn’t Asperger’s need to be “cured,” so how can they even be “good” Moms?  And how the heck did I know what my 1 month old wanted just from crying?  Please read on, my friend.

 My journey so far as a mother has been shaped significantly by a number of things that I now consider to be part of my Asperger’s.

 

1.  An unquenchable thirst to be better

Well, if it were up to my perfectionist brain, I’d be the best Mom ever.  Now that I’m aware of my inner Aspie, I’m okay with being a work in progress; using my strengths to my benefit and learning to handle my weaknesses.  I try to be in a cycle of taking in constructive criticism, applying what I’ve learned to my everyday life and re-evaluating if it is working (i.e. plan-do-check-act: thanks Dr. Deming!) so I can chisel my life into what I hope to be a masterpiece.  I see new parts of my life with my family emerging that I think are just so beautiful, and look forward to seeing the culminations.

So maybe the better word is idealistic?  I want to have a positive, fun, close relationship with my son and husband.  I was inspired by a friend’s Mom who homeschooled her, including teaching her Spanish.  They now share an amazing connection speaking fluent Spanish together and get some interesting looks as they walk down the street sounding like, but not looking like, native speakers.  I want to find something like that for my family and hone our unique abilities so we can blossom into our best selves.  I’m excited to see what they may be.

 

2.  A passion

I love using the best ideas (for me) in my everyday life and I love to share them!  But first I had to find them.  Books, articles, blogs: you name it, I’ve read it or I’ll put it on my to do list.  I’m thankful for electronic storage so I can access the information on a plethora of topics without my house looking like a branch of the public library.

To get back to my original story about parenting (one of my biggest passions), I believe that my strong connection with my son began in the first few months of life, when I was able to interpret his “pre-cry” noises, thanks to the Dunstan Baby Language (DBL).  Since it is based on reflexes, it is the universal “language” of babies from 0-3 months old.  I felt I was able to respond calmly and definitively to his needs even while he might not necessarily know how to express them yet. Looking back at the exact moment he was born, his first cry sounded like the lower gas pain sound she describes in DBL, and he came out pooping!  No wonder he was uncomfortable; he ate so much while he was chilling out that extra week past his due date!  This knowledge made me feel “better” at caring for my son while I was trying to get the rest of the chaos in my house back in order.

 

3.  Doing less

This communication continued to grow organically when I used what I found of RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers).  They teach how to treat the baby as a whole person so they can grow into a self confident person.

“Observe more, do less.  Do less, enjoy more.” – Magda Gerber

Observing helped me learn more about my son instead of imposing my preferences, worries and stresses on him.  Observing helps me get a little more understanding of what is going on with the situation and then, if needed, I can try to reframe the moment in a way where he can still help or figure things out himself.

By playing the observer with minimal interference (and limits with safety in mind), I have been able to reap the benefits in a huge way every day.  I’m talking in particular about letting my son learn how to get down the step out of our house himself.  We used our hand to cushion his head down to the doormat as he lost his balance going out of the door crawling head first.  After maybe a week, he tried to go down feet first.  And it worked!  It was much more comfortable and stable for him!  Now at 16 months, he goes down feet first wherever there are stairs and that contributes to our confidence of him as he keeps makes effective decisions and his confidence to try new things.

 

4. Emotional support

With emotions being so ingrained in how I think as part of my Asperger’s, feeling heard and understood was vital to me.  I work hard at passing on that respect I craved by modeling it for my son.  I found a lot of great principles and real world examples of in Janet Lansbury’s blog.

I learned to allow him to have his emotions and help him work through them if needed.  Acknowledge them and they pass so much more quickly.  No distractions or magic tricks truly make the emotions go away!  It’s okay to be sad!  Now what are you going to do about it?  I am learning about that myself by acknowledging there might be some feelings that I don’t like but I need to take care of.  The book Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh and Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson helped me take care of my feelings first and then work on building back connections.  Being able to share and have a safe place to do so in my family means the world to me.

 

On Being Better

Feelings, emotions, connections: that’s what so much of Asperger’s is about to me.  I’m a creature of habit – that gives me warm and fuzzies.  Almost like knowing what to expect and fulfilling those expectations makes me feel like a well oiled machine.  I feel better!

The great thing about wanting to be better is that I know that I’m good enough right now.  So are you!  And everyone’s “better” is their own unique story, just something that works for them.  You are alive and can make one choice to make one thing better for yourself.  And you can make another choice every day (or week 😉 ) to do something better for the rest of your life.

Because you are a better person too.

 

 

 

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