Book Review: When Children Grieve

– by  Amanda Barnes Cook, Phd.

When Children Grieve by John W. James, Russell Friedman, and Leslie Matthews

I wish that every parent would read When Children Grieve.  I can’t tell you how many times since I read it last summer that I’ve recommended it to a friend or given a hurried recap to help someone in an emergency situation.  The main problem with this book is that parents are unlikely to pick it up unless they are already in the middle of dealing with grief; ideally, this is knowledge that all parents should have at the ready before a loss occurs.  In the event that a tragedy strikes, parents will not have time to pick up this book and sit down to read a few hundred pages but need to deal with it immediately.

We might think we don’t need to read this book because our children are unlikely to experience grief.  But even if no major tragedy occurs (and let’s hope for this outcome!), all children experience grief.  Grief is not only felt around big losses like death, but also around things like: weaning, getting rid of a pacifier, moving, a friend moving, divorce, or the loss of a nanny or teacher.  All humans experience loss throughout our lives, and with loss comes grief.  So do yourself a favor and read this book so you can be ready for it when it comes!

The authors define grief as “the conflicting feelings caused by a change or an end in a familiar pattern of behavior.”  This definition makes clear a few important things.  First, there are many, many situations that can evoke feelings of grief.  Moving from a crib to a bed easily falls into the category of situations that can cause grief by this definition.  The other major thing is that emotions associated with grief are often unclear and confusing.  A two-year-old might be excited about a new bed, but sad about losing the crib, and worried about being able to fall asleep, and proud for the new experience.  We need to honor all feelings to deal with grief effectively.

The authors outline six myths about coping with grief.

1. “Don’t feel bad!” It’s very unhelpful to tell anyone (especially kids) not to feel bad. Accept their sadness.
2. Replace the loss. When children lose a pet or a friend moves away, adults are often tempted to replace the loss with something new (“You’ll make new friends!”).  This isn’t a helpful way to deal with grief, because new friends or a new pet can never replace the previous relationship. A bed doesn’t replace the loss of a crib, it’s something new.
3. Grieve alone. As the parent, you need to be open about your own feelings, whatever they are, so that your child doesn’t learn that the way we cope with grief is by being sad alone in a room with a closed door. If you do that, they will do that.  If you’re sad, let your child see your sadness.
4. “Be strong.” It’s not helpful to tell anyone to be strong after a loss. The way you cope with grief is to accept the feelings you’re having.
5. “Keep busy.” It’s not helpful to distract from what’s happening to take a child’s mind off of it.
6. “Time heals all wounds.” Time doesn’t solve grief; dealing with grief by taking action is what makes grief livable so you can move on with your life in a healthy way.

 

The way to cope with grief and loss, the authors say, is to emotionally complete the relationship. When someone dies, your relationship is left incomplete.  There are things unsaid, things you wish had been done differently, things you wish there had been more of, things you wish had been better, etc. So the goal is to come to terms with all of those. This applies to other losses, too.  Some helpful things to do:

A “relationship review.” If there has been a death, you talk about the entire relationship from start to finish, good and bad, focusing on strong memories and also milestones. You should open the discussion by talking about the times that your child may not be able to remember. Depending on how verbal your child is, they can add memories too. (This is supposed to be hard, if you’re thinking it sounds hard.)  You can do relationship reviews for all sorts of things.  If a friend moves away, you can talk about the relationship from start to finish.  If your child is giving up a pacifier, you can talk about the times they started using them and what it has meant to them, and any funny stories you have.  You’re not forcing your child to talk, but making space for it to happen by starting the discussion naturally yourself.

Apology. In the case of a death, apologize for all of the things you wish you had done differently. For a child, this means something like “I’m sorry for the time I broke your phone.”

Forgiveness. In the case of a death, forgive for all of the things you wish they had done differently. This is a hard one.  Note that forgiving does not mean condoning. You don’t ever have to condone. What you have to do is reach the point where you yourself are no longer affected by the actions you consider wrong. This is a favor to yourself, not to the person who has died. For a kid this means something like “I was mad the time you yelled at me, but that’s ok.”  Apology and forgiveness will be less emotionally-charged in cases of grief that are not related to death, but focusing on things you wish had gone differently is always important.

Significant emotional statements. It is helpful to say out loud all of the things you most loved or hated.  All feelings are ok feelings. For a friend moving away, this might be, “I am mad you have to move.”  For giving up a pacifier, maybe “I liked having you at bedtime.  I didn’t like it when you fell on the floor.”

Say goodbye and thank you. You want to encourage your child to say goodbye and thank you to the person or thing that is gone. If your child is not able, you should model that so they can hear it. Goodbye and thank you, goodbye and thank you.  For moving, you can go through each room of the old house and talk about the good things that happened there, say goodbye and thank you for those times.

In the end, one of the strengths of this book is to remind parents that “Most children respond perfectly to loss experiences.” The authors offer this anecdote as an example of a child’s “perfect” response to death:

“Mr. Hamster, you were a good hamster. I’m sorry for the times I didn’t clean your cage. I was mad the time you bit me, but that’s ok. I wish that you didn’t have to get sick and die. I wanted to play with you more. I loved you, and I know that you loved me. Goodbye, Mr. Hamster.”

I highly recommend this book.  Grief is not something we can protect our children from, it is an inevitable part of life.  We should all be prepared for it.  What methods have you found useful in dealing with grief with your children?  Have any experiences surprised you by evoking feelings of grief in your children?

For further reading: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/01/teaching-our-children-about-love-and-loss/

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