A Psychologist, A Toddler, and RIE

  – by Alice W

 

I have a confession: I’m a psychologist and I have anxiety. Not your garden variety, everyday anxiety but your “I feel like I’m about to jump out of my skin” kind. I worry about anything and everything and not only do I worry but I feel it – my heart races, my leg shakes, I can’t sit still. I literally feel like I’m about to jump out of my skin at times. As a child, I was called “clumsy” as I often ran into things and tripped over my own two feet. During graduate school, I believed (and so did others) that I was just “hypomanic”. I had bundles and bundles of energy often accompanied by an elevated or irritable mood. It wasn’t until about 5 years ago that I was finally forced to face it for what it is – what it always has been – anxiety. With a lot of introspection and self-work, I was able to get it under control. It wasn’t perfect but I could recognize it for what it was, acknowledge it, and then cope with it if needed. And then I got pregnant. And like most things in my life (or so it seems), this wasn’t an ordinary pregnancy. This pregnancy wasn’t supposed to happen or at least not without the help of aggressive fertility procedures per two different experts in the field. Pregnancy wreaks havoc on your hormones and hormones wreaked havoc on my anxiety. I would love to say at some point that I was able to let go and enjoy my pregnancy. But even after the high-risk period for miscarriage passed and after two appointments with the maternal-fetal specialist I was discharged, I was still an anxious mess until the day my beautiful daughter was born.

She was perfectly healthy and even then there were new worries. Was she latched on correctly? Was she getting enough milk? Was she getting enough sleep or the right kind of sleep? Was she meeting all of her developmental milestones on time? And then there was SIDS. I had that gut-level fear that because she wasn’t supposed to happen that something bad was going to happen. So, for over a year I slept with my glasses on – to make sure I didn’t sleep too soundly in case something happened and to ensure that I would wake up (because I was so uncomfortable) to feel her chest to make sure she was still breathing. It was so bad that I actually had bald spots where the arms of my glasses sat. And then her first birthday passed (when babies are at their highest risk for SIDS), now I could breathe, right? No, because now I had a walking toddler, who not only had newfound freedom in her newly developed skills but who was also quite determined to explore and touch everything she could. And then around 18 months, she hit what most people call the “terrible two’s” early and the meltdowns began.

I’m a clinical psychologist. I believe in science and I believe in things that are evidence-based. So, I read everything and anything I could find on the topic; actually, as you probably figured out by now, I started reading the moment I found out I was pregnant. I knew how important attachment was and I spent her entire infancy making sure that she was, in fact, attached. I also believed at the time that I was responsible for making sure that her emotional needs (all of her needs really) were met and somewhere, somehow I bought into the belief that what that meant was I was responsible for her happiness. And if she was sad or angry or anxious, then I was responsible for rectifying those emotions. Otherwise, I was the problem. And I was because what I was doing wasn’t working for either of us. Around her 2nd birthday, I stumbled across Janet Lansbury’s blog post: I Think I Know Why You’re Yelling | Janet Lansbury on Pinterest. I’m not a yeller by nature but all of the anxiety and emotional exhaustion of being responsible for my toddler’s emotions and the failing at that were making me so irritable, I felt like yelling. I probably needed to yell. So, I read it and then I couldn’t stop reading.

This is how I found RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers). The basic tenets of RIE – respect, trust, mindfulness, setting limits in a respectful way – resonate deep within me, both as a psychologist and as a mother. As a mother, it gave me the freedom to recognize my own limits and needs such as being able to take a shower by myself while reinforcing the need to establish and maintain developmentally appropriate limits for my daughter while respecting her autonomy. It also freed me from the idea that I was responsible for her emotions. I am not. My responsibility is to allow her to feel and express her emotions and to teach her about them. I’ve also found freedom in the RIE concept of independent play. I am a quiet, introverted person by nature; so, feeling responsible for keeping my daughter entertained every waking moment was emotionally exhausting and anxiety provoking to say the least. Now, I can sit and observe her while she plays and entertains herself, engaging only when she asks me to or the moment is “right”. And most importantly, I have learned to trust her – trust that she is capable and will learn from her world without imposing my own expectations and fears while setting appropriate limits, which she needs. In learning to trust her, I’ve had to let go of control, which, in turn, has helped me to let go of (some) my anxiety. Because anxiety is at its core is my ineffective attempt to control everything around me.

I have another confession…

Here are just a few of the posts that I read and still read as needed:

9 Parenting Words To Live By | Janet Lansbury

Toddler Discipline That Works (It’s About Our Attitude) | Janet Lansbury

No Bad Kids – Toddler Discipline Without Shame (9 Guidelines) | Janet Lansbury

If Attachment Parenting Isn’t Working, Try This…

What Your Toddler Thinks Of Discipline | Janet Lansbury

Common Toddler Discipline Mistakes | Janet Lansbury