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A Culture of Punishment

July 2, 2020

healthy relationship

A guest post by Dr. Amanda Barnes Cook Amanda is my amazing friend, former blogger at Respectful Parent with her P.hD in Political Theory. I think you'll like her!   There’s this thing … Continue reading

Categories: Development, Emotional Health & Safety Comment / Share

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May 10, 2017

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Daily Parenting Inspiration

💡 Shifting from "Fixing" to Truly Listening 💡

One of my favorite quotes from Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training reminds us of a simple but powerful truth:

✨ “When a child is behaving in ways we don’t like, it means they have a problem.” ✨

To me, this means that when a child is acting out, they’re struggling with something. Our job isn’t to control the behavior—it’s to tune into the child.

But here’s the tricky part: We can’t listen deeply if we’re stuck in our own “junk.” 🤯

That means:
❌ Reacting from frustration
❌ Jumping in to fix their feelings
❌ Making their struggle our struggle

When we set aside our own agendas and truly tune in, we become helpers instead of fixers. And that’s when the magic happens—kids feel understood, process their emotions, and even start solving their own problems. 🙌

When children are given the space to work through their feelings, they become more independent, better problem-solvers, and more emotionally mature.

Whew! Heavy stuff, right?!

We dive deep into this in my P.E.T. (Parent Effectiveness Training) course where we learn practical ways to put these ideas into action.

✨ New P.E.T. class starts in just 1 week! There are just 6 spots left!

📅 Starts Tuesday, March 25th
⏰ 9:30 AM Pacific Time (via Zoom)

Message me or comment below to join—I’d love to have you! 💙

#RespectfulParenting #parenteffectivenesstraining #ParentingTips #PositiveParenting #respectfulparent #rie #parentingclasses #attachmentparenting #sandiegomom
✨ Let’s Talk About how to do Empathy! ✨ As ✨ Let’s Talk About how to do Empathy! ✨

As parents, it's easy to view our child's behavior through an adult lens—but what if we took a step back and looked a little deeper? 

For example, a child saying, "I don’t want to play with you!" might seem rude at first. But what if they actually mean, "I’m in the middle of another game right now, but I’d love to play later!"? They just need a little help expressing it better.

That’s why empathy isn’t just for moments of distress—it’s just as important when our kids seem to be doing something "wrong." When we pause to understand their perspective, we often realize they’re thinking something completely different from what we assumed. And THAT is where real teaching happens—helping them communicate their needs, understand themselves, and grow. 

Problem ownership is key here. Instead of seeing your child as a problem, consider that they have a problem they don’t yet know how to solve. When we shift from scolding to understanding, we open the door to connection and growth. 💛

🔊 Here’s what an empathetic response sounds like in action:

A child comes to you upset after arguing with a friend.
Child: I hate her!

Parent: Something about her really made you mad...?

Child: Yes, she’s always bossing me around!

Parent: You sure don’t like that...

Child: No, I’m tired of always playing what she wants.

Parent: You’d like to play what you want once in a while...?

Child: Yes.

Parent: I see...

Child: I’m going to tell her we need to take turns choosing games.

Parent: That sounds like a great plan!

Child: Yeah. Thanks!

See what happened? The child didn’t need advice or punishment. They just needed to be heard—and once they felt understood, they figured out a great solution all on their own! 🙌

Pretty cool, huh?

💡 Want to learn how to make this happen in your home? My next Parent Effectiveness Training class is in just 6 days!

📅 Tuesdays | March 25 - May 20
⏰ 9:30 AM - 12:30 PM (Online)

Spots are limited, so don’t wait! Message me to sign up or ask any questions. ⬇️💬

 #RespectfulParenting #sandiegomom #PositiveParenting #parenteffectivenesstraining #respectfulparent #ParentingTips #attachmentparenting #sandiegomoms
🚀 The Magic of “What’s Your Plan?” 🚀 🚀 The Magic of “What’s Your Plan?” 🚀

Ever feel like you’re stuck in a never-ending shoe battle? 🥴

You start with a gentle reminder… then a choice… then a consequence… then a full-on “Put on your dang shoes already!” 😵‍💫

Instead, try this: “What’s your plan for getting shoes on today?” 👟

✨ Boom—instant shift! ✨

You’re no longer giving an order (which kids love to push against). Instead, you’re giving them autonomy while still assuming shoes are happening. Now, their brain kicks in:

🧠 “Oh, do I have a plan? Nope… guess I need one!”

They figure it out, they take action, and they move one step closer to independence. 🙌

Give it a try and tell me what happens! ⬇️💬

—

💡 Want more game-changing parenting strategies? Join my upcoming P.E.T. (Parent Effectiveness Training) class!

📅 Starts Tuesday, March 25th
⏰ 9:30 AM Pacific Time (via Zoom)
✨ First class is FREE!

In this class, you'll learn powerful tools to reduce power struggles and build strong, respectful relationships with your kids.

Message me or comment below if you want details! 💙
“How dare you defy me!” 😱 Gulp.

The word “defiance” always makes me pause. What do we really mean when we say a child is being defiant?

They won’t listen.
They won’t cooperate.
They won’t do what we want.
But… what if what we want isn’t compatible with what they need in that moment? And what if their “defiance” is really just them using the only tool they have to stand up for themselves? (Because let’s be honest—kids see power being used all the time!)

What if, instead of labeling it as defiance, we listened? What if we got curious about what was so important to them that it was stopping them from helping us?

💡 Here’s an example:

Child A wears a new hat to school. Child B snatches it off her head.
Teacher takes the hat from Child A.
Child A, totally incensed, SNEAKS it back. Twice.

At first glance? Defiance.
But when the teacher listens, she learns that Child A isn’t being stubborn—she feels punished for someone else’s actions.

So the teacher gives her more information:
"The hat was distracting me while I was talking, and I needed to finish."

And just like that, the child responds:
"Well, if I knew that, I would’ve put it in my backpack. Can I do that instead? I’m worried it’ll get taken sitting out like that."

✨ BOOM. Cooperation. ✨

Instead of wielding power and getting defiance in return, the teacher communicated—and got a natural, thoughtful solution.

Isn’t communication the best?! 😍

Want to learn tools to listen, set boundaries, and solve problems so your home is full of more love and cooperation?

📅 Parent Effectiveness Training – Online
🗓 Tuesdays | March 25 - May 20
⏰ 9:30 AM - 12:30 PM

Join me! Link in bio. 👇 #ParentingForMoreJoy #CommunicationWins #DefianceOrMisunderstanding #parenteffectivenesstraining #RespectfulParenting #ParentingTips #respectfulparent #PositiveParenting #rie #parentingclasses
One of the biggest reasons I teach Parent Effectiv One of the biggest reasons I teach Parent Effectiveness Training? 👇

Because I used to wonder: Why do some kids tell their parents everything while others hide it all?

When my kids were little, I was determined to figure this out. And what I found boiled down to two simple (but not easy!) things:

✨ Acceptance & Listening. ✨

When kids feel accepted—when they know we’re truly listening without judgment, criticism, or unsolicited advice—they open up. They feel safe. They feel loved. ❤️

Is this hard? YES. Especially when they share something that makes you want to scream, panic, or hand them a 10-step plan for better choices. 😅

But here’s the thing: My kids tell me.
They tell me when they’re in a mess and need help.
They tell me when something is weighing on their conscience.
And most of the time—once they’ve been heard—they actually ask for advice.

One simple phrase that helps:
👉 “Do you want me to just listen, or do you want advice?”

If they want advice, I share it—gently. If they don’t, I zip it. (Not easy, but worth it. 😆)

And you know what? The time for advice always comes.

#ParentingForMoreJoy #ListeningMatters #ParentEffectivenessTraining #ParentingTips #PositiveParenting  #parentingclasses #RespectfulParenting #attachmentparenting  #rie
Or 3-year-olds… or 5-year-olds! 😆 Does it re Or 3-year-olds… or 5-year-olds! 😆

Does it really matter if they insist the cup is blue when it’s clearly purple? 💜➡️💙

Does it matter if they say, “No, these aren’t Vans, they’re Airwalks!” 🤷‍♀️

Does it matter if they swear the teacher won’t care… even when you know the teacher definitely will?

NO. No, it doesn’t. 🙃

They’ll learn. This will pass.

I’ve learned to just say “OK” and move on. They heard me. They’ll process it (even if they never admit it). And more often than not… it sinks in. 😉

Don’t forget I have a class coming up that will help you out of power struggles like a BOSS!

Tuesday mornings, March 25th - May 20th
9:30am-12:30 PM PACIFIC TIME 

Link in bio
Tired of nagging? Here’s what actually works. L Tired of nagging? Here’s what actually works.

Last week, we talked about who owns the problem—a key part of the Behavior Window in Parent Effectiveness Training. If your child is struggling, they own the problem. Your job? Listen and guide.

But what happens when you own the problem? 🤔

Let’s say:
🚿 Your child leaves wet towels and clothes on the bathroom floor.
⏳ Your child plays Legos before school and is running late—but you have a meeting to get to.

They’re not bothered. But you are.

So how do you get them to change—without nagging, bribing, or battling?

💡 Enter the Confrontive I-Message. It’s a simple way to communicate clearly so your child actually wants to help. It has three parts:

1️⃣ Describe what you see (no judgments like “messy” or “irresponsible”).
2️⃣ Explain the impact on you.
3️⃣ Share how you feel about it.

Here’s how it might go:

🚿 Scenario 1: The Wet Towels
👩‍👧 “Hey Maya, I have a bit of a problem I could use your help with…”
(This gives your child a moment to shift into Helper mode.)
👧 “Okay…”
👩‍👧 “When wet towels are left on the floor, I don’t have one to use and have to find a dry one. It’s frustrating to do that while dripping wet.”
👧 “Oh… sorry, Mom. I’ll go pick them up.”
👩‍👧 “Thank you!”

⏳ Scenario 2: Running Late
👩‍👦 “Hey kiddo, I’m a bit worried because it’s almost time to go, and you’re not ready for school. I really can’t be late for my meeting.”
👦 “Okay, let me just add this last piece, and I’ll hurry up.”
👩‍👦 “Thank you, I’d appreciate that.”

Sound too good to be true? Maybe. Maybe not. Sometimes, kids just need to understand the impact of their actions instead of hearing nagging reminders. And yes, sometimes they still resist… but we’ll talk about that next time. 😉

✨ Want to make parenting easier? These skills take practice, but once you start using them, conflicts smooth out, parenting feels lighter, and your relationship grows stronger.

Want to learn more? Join my 8-week online P.E.T. course! Try the first class FREE! 🎉

📅 Tuesdays, March 25 – May 20
⏰ 9:30 AM – 12:30 PM PT

Drop a 💡 in the comments if you’ve tried this before! 👇 #ParentingTips #ParentEffectivenessTraining #PositiveParenting
Sometimes things like finding the shoes, not being Sometimes things like finding the shoes, not being late, making sure the homework gets done feel so urgent.

So we insist.

We rush things.

We pressure.

What if we didn’t? These moments are not emergencies. No one will be harmed if we are late to that party or even late to school. No one.

Except maybe our kids’ self esteem.

Maybe our relationship with them.

The thing is, most things in parenting that FEEL like emergencies, are not.

It’s ok to slow down.

It’s ok to revisit the homework issue when you’re in a place of compassion.

It’s ok to wait.

When we wait and recognize these moments are not emergencies, NOT reflections of us, we find that we do not send stressed children off to school, we do not have a child crying over the missing shoes or unfinished homework.

You wait, the shoe might be found, it might not.

You wait and listen about how hard, or stupid, or boring the homework is and then you figure it out. Together.

This is my mantra when I feel like rushing everyone or engaging in a power struggle.

“Is this an EMERGENCY?”

Most often it’s not. The question slows me down, helps me prioritize the people in front of me instead of the things that need to get done.

#slowdown #parenting #parenteffectivenesstraining #sandiegomom #parentingclasses #emotionalawareness #raisethechildchangetheworld #hitpause See less
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