New Class Starting Tuesday, March 25th at 9:30 am PST!
Sign Up!

Respectful Parent

Parent Effectiveness Training, San Diego Parenting Classes

  • Home
  • About Kelly
    • Parenting Philosophy
    • What You Will Learn
    • Testimonials
  • Services
    • Classes & Workshops
    • Personal Coaching
    • Speaking Engagements
  • Resources
    • Parenting Books
    • Children’s Books
    • Thoughtful Independent Play Toys & Gift Guide
    • Awesome Parenting Gear
  • Free Consult
  • Contact
  • Blog
  • Privacy Policy

Choosing a School: The Not So Obvious Questions You Need To Ask

January 7, 2015

Choosing a school can be difficult, and surviving a bad choice can be incredibly stressful.  So how can parents best navigate the school selection process?  Let’s face it, easily comparable statistics, like high average test scores, matter very little to a
child’s daily well being. Parents have to dig deeper to find the information that indicates whether their child can thrive at a particular school.

When my son was entering kindergarten, I thought I asked all of the important questions, but we still ended up in a school that didn’t work for him.  Now I have a better sense of how to navigate the school selection process, but that knowledge was gained through a painful process of trial and error, including pulling my son out of school and transferring him mid-year. Keep inmind that these are good to know going in — but a rare school will meet all of these. Here are the things I wish I had asked and considered:

School Motto

I didn’t pay much attention to the school motto, but in hindsight I can see that mottos reveal a lot about the school.  “Work Hard and Be Nice” is a motto that is adult centered, focused on achievement and behavior.  “Learn and Grow,” on the other hand, is a child-centered motto that focuses on fostering a love of learning.  If you don’t like a school’s motto, that may be a warning sign that the school is a bad fit.

Visit the School

Tornado project
H.P. Hart/Good Eye Images

Tour the school, but remember, the tour is their best face. Do as much as you can to read the teachers and their body
language.

  • Sit in on a class before you enroll. If that’s not permitted, ask why. A good school will not view it as a distraction, but a way to determine if the school is a good fit.
  • Do the teachers and administrators listen to your thoughts? Do they ask what is important to you as the parent?
  • Do they have P.E., Art and Science programs? If so, how often? Many of these programs have been cut due to budget, but some schools fund them via Parent Teacher Associations.
  • Is the school narrowly focused on academics, or is there a focus on the whole child that includes social skills, problem solving, and emotional health?
  • Are parents allowed in the classroom the first day, or ever? Many schools line kids up outside the room for drop off and pick up; this policy is a clear message that parents are not wanted in the classroom. This can be problematic, especially in kindergarten when transitions are hard. If parents aren’t allowed in the classroom, the school may be compromising the needs of the child for the ease of the school.
  • What percentage of students transfer in (sometimes referred to as “choicing in”) to the school? If students are transferring out, where are they going, and why?
  • How much homework is typical?  Developmentally, kindergartners should have little to no homework, but that is rarely the case. Often there is a general homework policy, but some teachers are more lax about it than others.  A rule of thumb for homework is about 10 minutes per grade level starting in first grade; unfortunately, many schools hand out more.
  • What is the school’s bullying policy? We want schools to take bullying seriously, but I’m leery of a zero-tolerance policy. Zero-tolerance policies shut down communication and disregard reasons behind behavior. Children will have conflicts—it’s how they learn social skills. How aggressive behavior is dealt with and how the children learn from it are more important than the punishments doled out.
  • How do teachers handle transition times? In order to keep the classroom moving, timers are sometimes used. This can cause angst for some children. No one likes to be timed on their work every day.  A classroom without timers is a sign that the teacher has better tools to manage the class schedule.

Ask About Recess and Free Play

H.P. Hart/Good Eye Images
H.P. Hart/Good Eye Images

A child with limited recess and free play is more likely to have too much energy in class, to act out, and to be stressed.  Research shows that play makes brain space for learning. Movement should ideally be incorporated into classroom time as well.

  • Is running allowed on the playground? Many San Diego public schools don’t allow running on the asphalt. If your child’s playground doesn’t have an area free of asphalt, ask about the running policy.  Some schools adhere to it strictly, others are much more lenient.  Adequate recess time is great, but it may not be enough if children can’t expend enough energy.
  • How are energy needs met for higher energy children? If you have a high-energy child and the school can’t meet those needs, a good kid can become a “discipline problem.”
  • How often do students have PE? Does PE ever take the place of recess? Some schools have PE, but then shorten recess. Swapping PE for recess diminishes free play. Kids need a break from instruction to replenish the mind. PE may be movement, but it’s not a break.

Teacher Comforting Upset Elementary School PupilAsk About Discipline – Be Specific!

  • What does discipline look like? Is recess ever withheld either as a punishment or for not finishing classwork? Withholding recess is counterproductive to behavior issues—it prevents a child from resetting and releasing stress.
  • Do teachers use a behavior management system? How is it enforced? Is it cards? A stoplight system? Do other children or parents see the cards at the end of the day? Are time outs used?  A successful behavior management system should not shame or embarrass a child, but instead help him to understand his behavior so he can control it himself.
  • How are disruptive children handled?
  • What would the teacher do if a child hits? How would he or she handle a child that talks in class?

Ask About Teacher-Parent Relationships

  • How is teacher-parent communication structured?  If you want to talk to your child’s teacher, will you be able to do so in a timely manner? Will you be heard?
  • If your child has any issues that need to be addressed, will the teacher discuss them before the parent-teacher conference?
  • Can you volunteer? If so, do volunteers work directly with children or do administrative work? If they put you in a corner filing, beware.

Talk to Parents

Here’s where you can learn a lot—if you ask the right questions. Ask more than whether a parent liked the school or a certain teacher; ask why they hold that opinion. Another parent’s priorities may not match your own, so their reasons for liking or disliking a school may be irrelevant to you. Ask:

Ben_Kerckx / Pixabay
  • What do you like about the school?
  • What don’t you like?
  • Did your kids react badly to anything?
  • If there were one thing you could change, what would it be?
  • Did your kids like it? What didn’t your kids like about it?
  • Lastly and most importantly: Will my child be happy here?  Will my family be happy here?

Every family will have unique perspectives and concerns regarding schooling, so be sure to stay closely aligned with what is important to you and your child.  Whether it is the arts, academics, free play, discipline or religion, if you can’t get the concrete answers you need, it’s probably not the right choice.

 

Other posts that may be helpful in choosing a school:

Choosing a Primary School – The Guardian

How to Choose a School: by teachers for parents

 

Related Posts in this series include:

Dear Public School: It’s Not Me It’s You

Public School: How I Made the Choice

School and the Unconventional Parent

Categories: Play & Education 16 Comments / Share

« Dear Public School: It’s Not Me, It’s You.
Why “Choosing Your Battles” May Not Be An Effective Parenting Strategy »

Comments

  1. NIcola says

    February 11, 2015 at 8:30 pm

    I love your article, we are in the process of trying to get my son in somewhere appropriate for him for Grade 1. I asked at our local public school if I could see around the school and was told that was absolutely not possible. If they gave a tour to one parent then the next thing they’d be doing is spending all their time doing tours. I was informed that we would be invited to a parent’s tea in May, after we had applied and been accepted.

    I was trying to imagine what it would be like to buy a car using that process.

    Any way, I have been made to feel like I am not allowed to ask questions with regards our public school system. “It’s good” i’ve been told and encouraged to leave it at that.

    I’ve been investigating into local independent schools and have had nothing but good experiences from patient people going out of their way to answer all of my questions. But still there is a nagging voice inside me that says I should just do what everyone else says and put my blind faith and child into the public school system.

    Thank you for your article, encouraging questions and making me feel like I’m not the only one who would like to know a little about the place I am sending my child to for 8 hours a day.

    I think you have helped me with my decision.

    Reply
    • Kelly Meier says

      February 11, 2015 at 9:47 pm

      I’m glad to hear it helped you. I’ll never understand why schools don’t treat us like the customers that we are, but yes, it shows a lot about them when they behave that way. Most people spend more time researching their phone company than the school they will send their child to, it doesn’t make sense.

      Reply
  2. Maggie Allen says

    August 23, 2016 at 6:57 am

    You make a really good point about asking about discipline in the classroom. In my opinion, it would be a good idea to ask multiple teachers about how they handle misbehaving students to see if the staff is trained on using effective discipline. That way, you can rest assured that your child will be treated well, no matter who is supervising them.

    Reply
  3. Shad Morris says

    September 28, 2016 at 6:51 am

    My sister is trying to get her daughter ready for kindergarten next year, and wasn’t sure what school to put her in. I really like that you say to check and see if they have P.E., art, and science programs. If I were picking a school, I would want to make sure that they are able to learn more than just the basics.

    Reply
  4. Jenna Hunter says

    February 17, 2017 at 6:13 pm

    We recently moved and we are needing to find a great elementary school for my 9-year-old twins this fall! I was surprised to know that mottos reveal a lot about the school. When I go to choose one for them to go to I will be sure to keep that in mind when I visit the schools!

    Reply
  5. Harper Campbell says

    July 26, 2017 at 10:36 am

    We are getting ready to move to a new state, and we are wanting to find a good school for our kids to attend to. It’s good to know that when we visit the different schools that there are somethings that we need to remember to look for or ask about. I like how you pointed out that we make sure that they focus not just on academics but also on social skills, and problem solving. It will be nice to know that our children will be developing well throughout their whole education.

    Reply
  6. Zachary Tomlinson says

    October 11, 2017 at 11:31 am

    Thanks for sharing! My son will go to school soon, so I’m looking for different options. It’s awesome how you mentioned about checking programs which are available at the school. I’ll consider these recommendations in order to make a right choice of the school.

    Reply
  7. Emily says

    November 5, 2017 at 4:31 pm

    I don’t really understand the logistics behind this post. In my town, there is one school, and that’s where all the kids go unless they’re homeschooled or go to expensive private school many miles away. Why would one have so many choices? How does that work?

    Reply
    • Kelly Meier says

      November 12, 2017 at 12:40 pm

      Yes, it’s quite different in a smaller town. I am in Southern California and we have 5 school in a 5 mile radius and I’m in the suburbs. I wonder if this contributes some to caring less about parent input versus a small town where everyone knows each other. Hre you get zoned to one school but can also do what is called “choicing” in to another neighborhood school. There are also charter schools and magnet schools to choose from. Choice is a blessing and a curse, I suppose.

      Reply
      • Emily says

        November 12, 2017 at 3:58 pm

        That’s exactly what I thought. We are fortunate to live in Vermont, which is at the forefront of a lot of modern education practices, but we also live in a bit of a socioeconomic bubble. That’s also a blessing and a curse! Thanks for the reply.

        Reply
  8. Gloria Durst says

    November 30, 2017 at 2:05 pm

    I like how you say that you would want to consider sitting in on a class before choosing a school. Finding out what kind of things teachers emphasize is good. My sister is looking for a private school, so she’ll have to sit in on some classes first.

    Reply
  9. Steele Honda says

    April 5, 2019 at 7:20 pm

    I like that you said kids need a break from instruction to replenish the mind so a good school should have recess time. My husband and I are looking for the right kindergarten for our daughter for this upcoming year. I think it would be nice our daughter could play outside at different times throughout the day because we want to start her with a healthy lifestyle early on.

    Reply
  10. Daphne Gilpin says

    June 17, 2019 at 11:51 am

    Thanks for explaining that good schools will listen to parents and as about what’s important to them. My daughter will be old enough for elementary school soon, and I want to find a good private school for her to make sure she gets a solid educational foundation. I’m glad I read your article because now I know what qualities to look for to help identify good private elementary schools.

    Reply
  11. Sharon says

    August 24, 2019 at 8:11 am

    Don’t forget that at the end of the day, public education is a government program. So many public schools do an amazing job! Many cannot with their resources, so I would encourage people to look into the booster club, parent association, teacher support organizations and see where they focus their efforts and how well the staff works with them. This will also tell you a lot about resources that are UNavailable or cut from funding. A principal sets the tone and if that person is willing to work with parents, amazing things can be done. Parental involvement makes the school (no matter how rich or poor the resources). While I would want to sit in on a class or two, I do see how it would be a major obstacle to their work load-because at the end of the day they are all government employees to some degree and we can’t exhaust them or they won’t be able to give their best to our kids. School Board meetings are be law required to be onen to the public, many are aired on local tv stations and meeting minutes are available online. Whike much info is beyond the average parents scope/control it will give you an idea of the even rap mentality much like the motto does. At the end of the day, everyone knows their own child best and will do what is best for them. Carry on fearless parents!

    Reply
  12. Sabrina Addams says

    April 20, 2020 at 8:57 am

    I like that you wrote that mottos can tell you a lot about the values of a school and that you should see how well the teachers and staff listen to you. My daughter is old enough to go kindergarten this year, so I am trying to find a good kindergarten program for her to learn and make friends at. I’ll keep these tips in mind when finding a school for her.

    Reply
  13. Eli Richardson says

    March 8, 2021 at 8:35 am

    It’s great that you talked about how you must visit a school before choosing it. My brother’s son is about to start middle school, and he needs to select an education facility for his kid. My brother wants to find the perfect school, so I think this article could help him. I appreciate your tips about asking a lot of questions when touring school options.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Your journey for better parenting starts here! We will guide you & mentor you for maintaining better relationships with your kids. Sign up for our newsletter and get tips & expert advice on effective parenting techniques delivered to your inbox.

Daily Parenting Inspiration

“How dare you defy me!” 😱 Gulp.

The word “defiance” always makes me pause. What do we really mean when we say a child is being defiant?

They won’t listen.
They won’t cooperate.
They won’t do what we want.
But… what if what we want isn’t compatible with what they need in that moment? And what if their “defiance” is really just them using the only tool they have to stand up for themselves? (Because let’s be honest—kids see power being used all the time!)

What if, instead of labeling it as defiance, we listened? What if we got curious about what was so important to them that it was stopping them from helping us?

💡 Here’s an example:

Child A wears a new hat to school. Child B snatches it off her head.
Teacher takes the hat from Child A.
Child A, totally incensed, SNEAKS it back. Twice.

At first glance? Defiance.
But when the teacher listens, she learns that Child A isn’t being stubborn—she feels punished for someone else’s actions.

So the teacher gives her more information:
"The hat was distracting me while I was talking, and I needed to finish."

And just like that, the child responds:
"Well, if I knew that, I would’ve put it in my backpack. Can I do that instead? I’m worried it’ll get taken sitting out like that."

✨ BOOM. Cooperation. ✨

Instead of wielding power and getting defiance in return, the teacher communicated—and got a natural, thoughtful solution.

Isn’t communication the best?! 😍

Want to learn tools to listen, set boundaries, and solve problems so your home is full of more love and cooperation?

📅 Parent Effectiveness Training – Online
🗓 Tuesdays | March 25 - May 20
⏰ 9:30 AM - 12:30 PM

Join me! Link in bio. 👇 #ParentingForMoreJoy #CommunicationWins #DefianceOrMisunderstanding #parenteffectivenesstraining #RespectfulParenting #ParentingTips #respectfulparent #PositiveParenting #rie #parentingclasses
One of the biggest reasons I teach Parent Effectiv One of the biggest reasons I teach Parent Effectiveness Training? 👇

Because I used to wonder: Why do some kids tell their parents everything while others hide it all?

When my kids were little, I was determined to figure this out. And what I found boiled down to two simple (but not easy!) things:

✨ Acceptance & Listening. ✨

When kids feel accepted—when they know we’re truly listening without judgment, criticism, or unsolicited advice—they open up. They feel safe. They feel loved. ❤️

Is this hard? YES. Especially when they share something that makes you want to scream, panic, or hand them a 10-step plan for better choices. 😅

But here’s the thing: My kids tell me.
They tell me when they’re in a mess and need help.
They tell me when something is weighing on their conscience.
And most of the time—once they’ve been heard—they actually ask for advice.

One simple phrase that helps:
👉 “Do you want me to just listen, or do you want advice?”

If they want advice, I share it—gently. If they don’t, I zip it. (Not easy, but worth it. 😆)

And you know what? The time for advice always comes.

#ParentingForMoreJoy #ListeningMatters #ParentEffectivenessTraining #ParentingTips #PositiveParenting  #parentingclasses #RespectfulParenting #attachmentparenting  #rie
Or 3-year-olds… or 5-year-olds! 😆 Does it re Or 3-year-olds… or 5-year-olds! 😆

Does it really matter if they insist the cup is blue when it’s clearly purple? 💜➡️💙

Does it matter if they say, “No, these aren’t Vans, they’re Airwalks!” 🤷‍♀️

Does it matter if they swear the teacher won’t care… even when you know the teacher definitely will?

NO. No, it doesn’t. 🙃

They’ll learn. This will pass.

I’ve learned to just say “OK” and move on. They heard me. They’ll process it (even if they never admit it). And more often than not… it sinks in. 😉

Don’t forget I have a class coming up that will help you out of power struggles like a BOSS!

Tuesday mornings, March 25th - May 20th
9:30am-12:30 PM PACIFIC TIME 

Link in bio
Tired of nagging? Here’s what actually works. L Tired of nagging? Here’s what actually works.

Last week, we talked about who owns the problem—a key part of the Behavior Window in Parent Effectiveness Training. If your child is struggling, they own the problem. Your job? Listen and guide.

But what happens when you own the problem? 🤔

Let’s say:
🚿 Your child leaves wet towels and clothes on the bathroom floor.
⏳ Your child plays Legos before school and is running late—but you have a meeting to get to.

They’re not bothered. But you are.

So how do you get them to change—without nagging, bribing, or battling?

💡 Enter the Confrontive I-Message. It’s a simple way to communicate clearly so your child actually wants to help. It has three parts:

1️⃣ Describe what you see (no judgments like “messy” or “irresponsible”).
2️⃣ Explain the impact on you.
3️⃣ Share how you feel about it.

Here’s how it might go:

🚿 Scenario 1: The Wet Towels
👩‍👧 “Hey Maya, I have a bit of a problem I could use your help with…”
(This gives your child a moment to shift into Helper mode.)
👧 “Okay…”
👩‍👧 “When wet towels are left on the floor, I don’t have one to use and have to find a dry one. It’s frustrating to do that while dripping wet.”
👧 “Oh… sorry, Mom. I’ll go pick them up.”
👩‍👧 “Thank you!”

⏳ Scenario 2: Running Late
👩‍👦 “Hey kiddo, I’m a bit worried because it’s almost time to go, and you’re not ready for school. I really can’t be late for my meeting.”
👦 “Okay, let me just add this last piece, and I’ll hurry up.”
👩‍👦 “Thank you, I’d appreciate that.”

Sound too good to be true? Maybe. Maybe not. Sometimes, kids just need to understand the impact of their actions instead of hearing nagging reminders. And yes, sometimes they still resist… but we’ll talk about that next time. 😉

✨ Want to make parenting easier? These skills take practice, but once you start using them, conflicts smooth out, parenting feels lighter, and your relationship grows stronger.

Want to learn more? Join my 8-week online P.E.T. course! Try the first class FREE! 🎉

📅 Tuesdays, March 25 – May 20
⏰ 9:30 AM – 12:30 PM PT

Drop a 💡 in the comments if you’ve tried this before! 👇 #ParentingTips #ParentEffectivenessTraining #PositiveParenting
Sometimes things like finding the shoes, not being Sometimes things like finding the shoes, not being late, making sure the homework gets done feel so urgent.

So we insist.

We rush things.

We pressure.

What if we didn’t? These moments are not emergencies. No one will be harmed if we are late to that party or even late to school. No one.

Except maybe our kids’ self esteem.

Maybe our relationship with them.

The thing is, most things in parenting that FEEL like emergencies, are not.

It’s ok to slow down.

It’s ok to revisit the homework issue when you’re in a place of compassion.

It’s ok to wait.

When we wait and recognize these moments are not emergencies, NOT reflections of us, we find that we do not send stressed children off to school, we do not have a child crying over the missing shoes or unfinished homework.

You wait, the shoe might be found, it might not.

You wait and listen about how hard, or stupid, or boring the homework is and then you figure it out. Together.

This is my mantra when I feel like rushing everyone or engaging in a power struggle.

“Is this an EMERGENCY?”

Most often it’s not. The question slows me down, helps me prioritize the people in front of me instead of the things that need to get done.

#slowdown #parenting #parenteffectivenesstraining #sandiegomom #parentingclasses #emotionalawareness #raisethechildchangetheworld #hitpause See less
This is a big one! If you want your child to tell This is a big one! If you want your child to tell you the big things, it's tricky if they hear you judge others. They may not think you will accept their own truths and stop sharing with you. 

One of the most powerful ways of showing acceptance is Active Listening. When a child expresses a problem, try not to offer advice, solutions or analyze. Just listen, reflect back what you hear, and watch them continue to think the problem through on their own. 

One of the most powerful ways of showing acceptance is Active Listening. When a child expresses a problem, try not to offer advice or solutions or analyze. Just listen, reflect back what you hear and watch them continue to think the problem through on their own. 

Sign up below:
https://respectfulparent.com/pet-course/ #parenteffectivenesstraining #sandiegomoms #sandiegoparentingclasses #attachmentparenting #parentingclasses #rie #respectfulparenting #sandiegoparents #parenteffectivnesstraining #RespectfulParenting #sandiegomom #respectfulparent
Parent Effectiveness Training is made up of a very Parent Effectiveness Training is made up of a very specific set of communication skills that enable parents to positively influence their children’s behavior. It is a blueprint for following the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you.

At the very root of P.E.T. is a belief that children aren’t bad or mischievous; they simply behave in ways that satisfy their particular needs at the moment. A baby cries because he is hungry; four-year-old sticks her hands into a can of paint and spills it on the carpet because she wants to play with the paint, to explore; a sixteen-year-old comes home later than you feel is safe because he feels a need to be with his friends.

Children have the right to meet their needs, but parents do too. It is in meeting these conflicting needs that most parent/child relationships get into trouble. Some parents insist on obedience from their children, so they get their needs met at the expense of the children meeting theirs’. Other parents, wishing to spare their children any hurt and aggravation, give in and let their children get their way, but then the parents suffer. Either way, someone is left feeling resentful of the other. It is this constant cycle of power struggles and the subsequent pent-up resentments that result that slowly begin to erode the parent/child relationship.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. There is a third option: Both parents and children can get their needs met. 

Learn More or Sign up:
Online Course Starting Tuesday Mornings March 25th - May 20th
9:30am - 12:30pm Pacific Time
https://respectfulparent.com/pet-course/
Whew that's a lot to think about! The more accep Whew that's a lot to think about! 

The more accepting our parents were of us.

The more accepting we are of ourselves.

The more accepting we are of ourselves, the more accepting we are of others.

The good news is once we identify this, we can change our area of acceptance and therefore our child's acceptance of themselves.

Helping future genertions become more accepting of others.

A Parent Effectiveness Training Course can help you with this in 8 short weeks. It's a brain stretcher for sure, but a sure way to grow!

Online Course starting Tuesdays, March 25th - May 20th
9:30 am - 12:30 pm

 #parentingclasses #sandiegomoms #sandiegoparentingclasses #attachmentparenting #rie #respectfulparenting #parenteffectivenesstraining
Follow on Instagram




  • Privacy Policy
  • Free Consult

© 2025 Respectful Parent · All Rights Reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Instagram