Hello, I’m an Aspie Mom

 – by Maria

1 in 88.

That’s the latest Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) prevalence statistic among children.  But I never knew what ASD looked like, and it had never affected my life.  So why should I care?

Then one day while pregnant, I was doing some soul searching for my impending motherhood, and realized I couldn’t read enough about Asperger’s!  How did that happen?

Let me back up.  A little about me.

 

I’ve always felt…  different.

Not just the normal different, like my growing up Chinese in a rural area different, or being a rebel in a devoutly Christian home different.

Different, like my play dates with girls always ended up with a storm out.  I’d be hysterical after a zing from the boy next to me in class.  Jewelry, nails, and sleepovers were never my thing.  I never felt competitive during softball or tennis and was a klutz during dance and gymnastics.  I always followed the teacher’s rules (and liked it).

In high school, I was mostly a loner with a constant boyfriend to cover up my social scarcity.  I managed to join the JV tennis team as a senior, really out of pity by the coach.  And it was easy to float in and out of groups without having to make too many true connections.  I got all A’s (read: nerd).

College was the beginning of my personal decline.  I managed to come off as particularly blunt or otherwise inappropriate and my “friends” would make fun of me.  I was overwhelmed trying to navigate the inherent cliques of my large class, so I ended up hanging out with just a few in a smaller major.  Tests every two weeks on hundreds of pages of material left me in survival mode.  “D’s get degrees” was my motto the last few years and I just couldn’t bring myself to try or care anymore.

Marriage was nice when there were no conflicts, nothing to discuss.  Enter one beautiful baby boy.  This was the first time in my life I had ideas that I wasn’t willing to compromise on and that made marriage hard.  I had researched for weeks; why wouldn’t we go with awesome ideas I found, like RIE or using sign language?  Tantrums ensued.

Besides taking on the majority of childcare and housework, working full time and managing a nanny pretty much made me a frozen, depressed mess.  I couldn’t even manage to look my husband in the eyes, much less actually do anything about my downward spiral.

 

But even through all that, there were times I also felt perfectly normal…

Normal, like my best friend growing up was the boy next door with the Nintendo.  We played kickball in my backyard with the other boys in the neighborhood.  I loved playing with my stuffed animals by myself for hours, along with the Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail video game (below), and reading.  So many books!  I ran out of Nancy Drew and Agatha Christie (and Encyclopedia Brown, Dr. Doolittle and Boxcar Children, etc) books to borrow from my library.

 

My Christian upbringing tended to make me a super “nice” person.  I kept up that facade in high school and managed to become “queen of the others,” as an ex-boyfriend put it, since most of my friends were in band, choir and my honors classes.  I even made it onto the homecoming court.  This without ever wearing makeup or learning to do my hair.

 College stress was overwhelming and I went through a bout of suicidal depression.  Thankfully my teacher had me get help after I royally botched an assignment and told her why.  I hung out with frat boys, minus the hookups, as the boyfriend excuse saved me again.  My lifelong interest in piano paid off and I accompanied our choir.

I was used to getting my way as an only child and, unfortunately for my hubs, took that with me to my marriage.  It is hard work to undo that, besides also trying to be a direct communicator.  I’ve read and read different ways to help improve our marriage (i.e. me, since that’s the only thing I can really change).

My son is a joy to me!  This was what I’d been waiting my whole life for, to be a mother.  We have a wonderful routine going, especially at bedtime.  More on this later!

 

My “aha” moment …

… of finding Asperger’s came after my aunt suggested looking into it relating to my mother.  While I was pregnant (because when else do mothers really have time to read?), I started reading Aspergirls and I couldn’t put it down.  This was it!  This was me!  I was ecstatic that there was a reason I wasn’t exactly like everyone else and it was nothing to be ashamed of.

Nearly all of my challenges and strengths I’ve found to be part of an

Asperger’s or High Functioning Autism diagnosis.

Putting a name on it has helped me enumerate the issues I need to work on and given me resources to guide me towards a better me.  It has given me validation to know that there are others like me and I don’t need to be just like anyone else.

 

Nowadays, I am always looking for better systems to deal with life.

I keep guidelines in my head on how to interact with people.  Etiquette is an easy rule book to apply in social situations.  In a conversation, my first reaction is usually self-centered, so I have to think to look at the situation from their perspective before responding.  I had to learn that certain people think to ask about me and my family, so be sure to reciprocate to keep that friendship cycle going.

My job entails doing the same task over and over again, and I love it!  The SOP of my company comes naturally to me now and I take pride in being able to help or point someone in the right direction.

Details are not my thing, especially in verbal conversations.  Definitely, I’m a “big picture” and a visual person.  I make full use of to-do lists, apps to remember stuff, and shared calendars, and also love my email and text mediums!

Jamming to music in my car with a sort of complex tic is a great energy release for me.  That person in the next car might look at me funny, but now I know that’s me!  And Asperger’s.  And normal.

 

So…

 …that is a sliver of me, but everyone on the spectrum is unique.  Are you an adult Aspie or do you know one?  My challenge to you is to get to know more about us Aspies and ASD.

Check out this free PBS video and learn more from the best source: those with ASD!

Awareness is the first step to acceptance.  Once you understand, you might just like us for who we are!  And who knows, maybe you’ll find compassion for those odd things in yourself too.

 

<3