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How to Talk so Kids Will Listen the First Time

May 30, 2018

Child doesn't want to listen

We’ve  all been there – when we ask our kids to do something or we give them some um… “constructive criticism” they come back at us with anger, withdrawal, and defensiveness and they certainly don’t want to listen to us in that state of mind. Our well-meaning feedback or instruction falls on deaf ears.  They can’t seem to take anything we say easily. Typically that’s because of HOW we are saying it. Things like – “I can’t understand you when you’re whining.” “ If you wouldn’t poke your brother, he’d leave you alone.” “If you put things away, you could find things easier.”  These expressions send underlying messages to our children of blame, and the natural reaction to blame? You guessed it – anger, defensiveness, and withdrawal.

When we say, “You’re whining” a child hears, “I don’t like that you’re upset and I’m not comfortable with your feelings.”  “If you didn’t provoke him then it wouldn’t have happened” becomes “you did something to deserve this.”  If you would have put your things away..”  becomes “it’s your fault you can’t find it.” None of these things help the child who is upset.

 

Why Your Kids Don’t Listen to You

Often times we need to listen to them first and once they are calm, then they can hear our message. However, if we are asking them to do a perfectly reasonable thing, it may just be how we are saying it. The most common problem parents want my help with is “getting their kids to listen” and almost always my solution to that is “getting the parents to talk differently.”  Most parents don’t get heard because their kids don’t understand what they mean or what they want. The messages parents are sending are vague and unclear to a young and developing brain.  Instead, we want to give children the information they need so they can WANT to help us rather than RESIST helping us.

If resistance is a problem in your house here are a few simple shifts in the way you talk that can help your child help you:

Stop Using Adjectives So Much

Adjectives are subjective, something beautiful to you may be atrocious to your spouse…kind of like the amazing flower sculpture I bought for that empty corner of our house. I thought it was just the thing, my husband thought it was weird and quirky.  Needless to say, we both had different adjectives in mind to describe the wonderful artwork!

Kids are the same – “messy” to us is often just right to a child, they know exactly where everything is. “Rude” is often sticking up for themselves, “disrespectful” is a form of retribution and hurt feelings – a sign of a rift in a relationship. “Lazy” is relaxing or unwinding, “inconsiderate” is forgetful, “loud” for us equals exciting for them. You get the point, adjectives just aren’t getting the point across and even worse, they are often taken as insults, judgments or labels and met with, you guessed it, defensiveness.   I mean if my husband told me my beautiful flower sculpture was a “waste of money” I surely would not want to change my behavior, in fact, I might even go out and get another one, you know if I was 12… or something.

Say What You See Instead

Instead of telling your child to pick up his messy room, say what you see – toys on the floor and an unmade bed. NOW he has enough information to know what you mean. He doesn’t have to guess which part of the room looks messy to you – it’s now CLEAR. It’s the toys on the floor and the unmade bed you don’t like! Now he gets it! Now he can listen. 

Telling your child you don’t like it when he calls dinner disgusting rather than telling him to stop being ungrateful is a lot more clear. It lets him know what specific thing you want him to stop so he can do better next time. Saying that bikes are in the driveway is a lot more clear than telling them they are inconsiderate or disrespectful.

In general, if you can take a picture of it or record it with a microphone, it’s a clear description of the behavior you don’t like (or like!). If you can’t see it, hear it or feel it, it’s probably an adjective and will leave a lot of room for error.

Then Add the “Why” In

Now that a child knows exactly what you mean they can start to listen and the next step is to tell them why or how it impacts you. Another adult is going to know what you mean when you say for example… “I’m on the phone.” And that is often enough information for an adult to move away or quiet down, but a child isn’t going to connect the dots. They’re going to wonder why you are telling them something so blatantly obvious.  If instead, you say, “When you laugh and yell when I’m on the phone I can’t hear Grandma.” Now they know how they affect you and can choose to move away or modify themselves voluntarily, no force or yelling necessary. Even better, they’ve just taken a step towards problem solving and consideration.

Now Talk About Feelings

It’s gonna be ok – you can talk about feelings, everyone has them, they don’t have to be all goopy or scary. Once they know the behavior and the impact on you,  you can now say how you feel about the impact. Careful to note that the feelings are attached to the effect, not the child, attaching them to the child can sound blameful instead of factual.  “When the toys are on the floor, I worry that I might trip on something” gives the child much more information and they can act on that information willingly. For a positive example, “I love it when you let the dog out when she scratches at the door so I don’t have to come downstairs. Thank you.”  Keep in mind the more you tell them how they affect you in positive instances, the more they’ll help you when you need it.

These three things combined, give the child information about you as a real person. They help them see you as a genuine person rather than in a ‘role” of the parent. You are a person with your own unique likes and dislikes and the more they know about you, the better the relationship will be. No yelling necessary.

 

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🚀 The Magic of “What’s Your Plan?” 🚀 🚀 The Magic of “What’s Your Plan?” 🚀

Ever feel like you’re stuck in a never-ending shoe battle? 🥴

You start with a gentle reminder… then a choice… then a consequence… then a full-on “Put on your dang shoes already!” 😵‍💫

Instead, try this: “What’s your plan for getting shoes on today?” 👟

✨ Boom—instant shift! ✨

You’re no longer giving an order (which kids love to push against). Instead, you’re giving them autonomy while still assuming shoes are happening. Now, their brain kicks in:

🧠 “Oh, do I have a plan? Nope… guess I need one!”

They figure it out, they take action, and they move one step closer to independence. 🙌

Give it a try and tell me what happens! ⬇️💬

—

💡 Want more game-changing parenting strategies? Join my upcoming P.E.T. (Parent Effectiveness Training) class!

📅 Starts Tuesday, March 25th
⏰ 9:30 AM Pacific Time (via Zoom)
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In this class, you'll learn powerful tools to reduce power struggles and build strong, respectful relationships with your kids.

Message me or comment below if you want details! 💙
“How dare you defy me!” 😱 Gulp.

The word “defiance” always makes me pause. What do we really mean when we say a child is being defiant?

They won’t listen.
They won’t cooperate.
They won’t do what we want.
But… what if what we want isn’t compatible with what they need in that moment? And what if their “defiance” is really just them using the only tool they have to stand up for themselves? (Because let’s be honest—kids see power being used all the time!)

What if, instead of labeling it as defiance, we listened? What if we got curious about what was so important to them that it was stopping them from helping us?

💡 Here’s an example:

Child A wears a new hat to school. Child B snatches it off her head.
Teacher takes the hat from Child A.
Child A, totally incensed, SNEAKS it back. Twice.

At first glance? Defiance.
But when the teacher listens, she learns that Child A isn’t being stubborn—she feels punished for someone else’s actions.

So the teacher gives her more information:
"The hat was distracting me while I was talking, and I needed to finish."

And just like that, the child responds:
"Well, if I knew that, I would’ve put it in my backpack. Can I do that instead? I’m worried it’ll get taken sitting out like that."

✨ BOOM. Cooperation. ✨

Instead of wielding power and getting defiance in return, the teacher communicated—and got a natural, thoughtful solution.

Isn’t communication the best?! 😍

Want to learn tools to listen, set boundaries, and solve problems so your home is full of more love and cooperation?

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One of the biggest reasons I teach Parent Effectiv One of the biggest reasons I teach Parent Effectiveness Training? 👇

Because I used to wonder: Why do some kids tell their parents everything while others hide it all?

When my kids were little, I was determined to figure this out. And what I found boiled down to two simple (but not easy!) things:

✨ Acceptance & Listening. ✨

When kids feel accepted—when they know we’re truly listening without judgment, criticism, or unsolicited advice—they open up. They feel safe. They feel loved. ❤️

Is this hard? YES. Especially when they share something that makes you want to scream, panic, or hand them a 10-step plan for better choices. 😅

But here’s the thing: My kids tell me.
They tell me when they’re in a mess and need help.
They tell me when something is weighing on their conscience.
And most of the time—once they’ve been heard—they actually ask for advice.

One simple phrase that helps:
👉 “Do you want me to just listen, or do you want advice?”

If they want advice, I share it—gently. If they don’t, I zip it. (Not easy, but worth it. 😆)

And you know what? The time for advice always comes.

#ParentingForMoreJoy #ListeningMatters #ParentEffectivenessTraining #ParentingTips #PositiveParenting  #parentingclasses #RespectfulParenting #attachmentparenting  #rie
Or 3-year-olds… or 5-year-olds! 😆 Does it re Or 3-year-olds… or 5-year-olds! 😆

Does it really matter if they insist the cup is blue when it’s clearly purple? 💜➡️💙

Does it matter if they say, “No, these aren’t Vans, they’re Airwalks!” 🤷‍♀️

Does it matter if they swear the teacher won’t care… even when you know the teacher definitely will?

NO. No, it doesn’t. 🙃

They’ll learn. This will pass.

I’ve learned to just say “OK” and move on. They heard me. They’ll process it (even if they never admit it). And more often than not… it sinks in. 😉

Don’t forget I have a class coming up that will help you out of power struggles like a BOSS!

Tuesday mornings, March 25th - May 20th
9:30am-12:30 PM PACIFIC TIME 

Link in bio
Tired of nagging? Here’s what actually works. L Tired of nagging? Here’s what actually works.

Last week, we talked about who owns the problem—a key part of the Behavior Window in Parent Effectiveness Training. If your child is struggling, they own the problem. Your job? Listen and guide.

But what happens when you own the problem? 🤔

Let’s say:
🚿 Your child leaves wet towels and clothes on the bathroom floor.
⏳ Your child plays Legos before school and is running late—but you have a meeting to get to.

They’re not bothered. But you are.

So how do you get them to change—without nagging, bribing, or battling?

💡 Enter the Confrontive I-Message. It’s a simple way to communicate clearly so your child actually wants to help. It has three parts:

1️⃣ Describe what you see (no judgments like “messy” or “irresponsible”).
2️⃣ Explain the impact on you.
3️⃣ Share how you feel about it.

Here’s how it might go:

🚿 Scenario 1: The Wet Towels
👩‍👧 “Hey Maya, I have a bit of a problem I could use your help with…”
(This gives your child a moment to shift into Helper mode.)
👧 “Okay…”
👩‍👧 “When wet towels are left on the floor, I don’t have one to use and have to find a dry one. It’s frustrating to do that while dripping wet.”
👧 “Oh… sorry, Mom. I’ll go pick them up.”
👩‍👧 “Thank you!”

⏳ Scenario 2: Running Late
👩‍👦 “Hey kiddo, I’m a bit worried because it’s almost time to go, and you’re not ready for school. I really can’t be late for my meeting.”
👦 “Okay, let me just add this last piece, and I’ll hurry up.”
👩‍👦 “Thank you, I’d appreciate that.”

Sound too good to be true? Maybe. Maybe not. Sometimes, kids just need to understand the impact of their actions instead of hearing nagging reminders. And yes, sometimes they still resist… but we’ll talk about that next time. 😉

✨ Want to make parenting easier? These skills take practice, but once you start using them, conflicts smooth out, parenting feels lighter, and your relationship grows stronger.

Want to learn more? Join my 8-week online P.E.T. course! Try the first class FREE! 🎉

📅 Tuesdays, March 25 – May 20
⏰ 9:30 AM – 12:30 PM PT

Drop a 💡 in the comments if you’ve tried this before! 👇 #ParentingTips #ParentEffectivenessTraining #PositiveParenting
Sometimes things like finding the shoes, not being Sometimes things like finding the shoes, not being late, making sure the homework gets done feel so urgent.

So we insist.

We rush things.

We pressure.

What if we didn’t? These moments are not emergencies. No one will be harmed if we are late to that party or even late to school. No one.

Except maybe our kids’ self esteem.

Maybe our relationship with them.

The thing is, most things in parenting that FEEL like emergencies, are not.

It’s ok to slow down.

It’s ok to revisit the homework issue when you’re in a place of compassion.

It’s ok to wait.

When we wait and recognize these moments are not emergencies, NOT reflections of us, we find that we do not send stressed children off to school, we do not have a child crying over the missing shoes or unfinished homework.

You wait, the shoe might be found, it might not.

You wait and listen about how hard, or stupid, or boring the homework is and then you figure it out. Together.

This is my mantra when I feel like rushing everyone or engaging in a power struggle.

“Is this an EMERGENCY?”

Most often it’s not. The question slows me down, helps me prioritize the people in front of me instead of the things that need to get done.

#slowdown #parenting #parenteffectivenesstraining #sandiegomom #parentingclasses #emotionalawareness #raisethechildchangetheworld #hitpause See less
This is a big one! If you want your child to tell This is a big one! If you want your child to tell you the big things, it's tricky if they hear you judge others. They may not think you will accept their own truths and stop sharing with you. 

One of the most powerful ways of showing acceptance is Active Listening. When a child expresses a problem, try not to offer advice, solutions or analyze. Just listen, reflect back what you hear, and watch them continue to think the problem through on their own. 

One of the most powerful ways of showing acceptance is Active Listening. When a child expresses a problem, try not to offer advice or solutions or analyze. Just listen, reflect back what you hear and watch them continue to think the problem through on their own. 

Sign up below:
https://respectfulparent.com/pet-course/ #parenteffectivenesstraining #sandiegomoms #sandiegoparentingclasses #attachmentparenting #parentingclasses #rie #respectfulparenting #sandiegoparents #parenteffectivnesstraining #RespectfulParenting #sandiegomom #respectfulparent
Parent Effectiveness Training is made up of a very Parent Effectiveness Training is made up of a very specific set of communication skills that enable parents to positively influence their children’s behavior. It is a blueprint for following the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you.

At the very root of P.E.T. is a belief that children aren’t bad or mischievous; they simply behave in ways that satisfy their particular needs at the moment. A baby cries because he is hungry; four-year-old sticks her hands into a can of paint and spills it on the carpet because she wants to play with the paint, to explore; a sixteen-year-old comes home later than you feel is safe because he feels a need to be with his friends.

Children have the right to meet their needs, but parents do too. It is in meeting these conflicting needs that most parent/child relationships get into trouble. Some parents insist on obedience from their children, so they get their needs met at the expense of the children meeting theirs’. Other parents, wishing to spare their children any hurt and aggravation, give in and let their children get their way, but then the parents suffer. Either way, someone is left feeling resentful of the other. It is this constant cycle of power struggles and the subsequent pent-up resentments that result that slowly begin to erode the parent/child relationship.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. There is a third option: Both parents and children can get their needs met. 

Learn More or Sign up:
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