– by Nicole
It was hysterical watching my daughter’s three-year-old friend, Billy, waiting for his ice cream. He was literally drooling over the sugary sweet taste that would soon reach his tongue. His father handed him a spoon. “Be careful not to spill on your new blue shirt.”
Billy immediately dove in, scooping up a small spoonful and bringing it to his mouth. With the day being as warm as it was, the ice cream melted quickly and slowly started dripping down his chin onto his new blue shirt. He didn’t skip a beat; in he went for bite number two. With the next bite on his spoon, his dad quickly intervened. Swooping in, his dad grabbed the spoon from Billy’s tiny hands, and with a raised voice he said, “I told you not to make a mess. You have done just that and now I will need to feed it to you.”
Billy began screaming. I wasn’t sure what to do. Knowing it wasn’t my place to intervene, I sat there doing nothing. I wanted to jump in and rescue Billy.
“You know what, Billy? I asked you to stay clean!”
Billy just kept screaming and protesting with grunts and cries as he tried to physically take back his spoon. The same spoon that just a few minutes earlier was gifted to him. This was a losing battle.
Three year olds are smart, very smart. He processed the situation and realized he had only one choice, let Dad feed him or have no ice cream that day. And so he stopped crying, the ice cream was spoon-fed to him, and his new blue shirt had no more spills of ice cream.
We have been hanging out with this family for a long time and I love them. I have never seen anything like this happen before and I was very taken aback. It really made me change my perspective on one of my friends and his fathering techniques.
Who won in this situation? Billy’s father must have been extremely tired from both the emotional and physical reprimand. He upset and embarrassed his son, and himself. In the end Billy did enjoy the sweet taste of his ice cream, but he couldn’t practice the skill of eating ice cream with a spoon. He couldn’t savor the ice cream and the independence he so craved. He was told in that moment that the cleanliness of his shirt far outweighed his father’s trust in his abilities.
This situation really made me stop and think. So often I see parents teaching their children how to do things, not allowing them the time to learn it on their own. If Billy was given the time and the tools to eat his ice cream perhaps he could have found success. Some changes could have been made to the benefit of all. Billy’s shirt could have been removed prior to eating the ice cream. His parents could have helped him to cover his shirt with napkins or a bib. Together they could have made a plan to keep the shirt clean, if it was that imperative that the shirt stay clean.
I have made a conscious effort to raise my children with the same respect that I treat my husband or a friend. I understand that with our children sometimes these moments are challenging and we want to resolve them quickly, and often anger seems the easiest avenue. None of us are perfect. But I do believe that trusting in our children will allow them the freedom to learn in their own time and feel real success.
I feel strongly that if I trust in my children now at a young age, then I can trust them when they are out in the world making bigger decisions without mommy and daddy by their side. I can trust they will swing safely on the swing at school when they are five. I can trust them to look both ways before crossing the street at age 7. I can trust them to ride their bike alone in the street when they are 10. I can trust them to make mindful decisions when presented with alcohol at age 13. I can trust them to get enough sleep the night before a big exam when they are 15. I can trust them to raise a family when they become a parent.
Trust takes slowing things down, watching and waiting. For many parents that means finding patience within. It is important and respectful to allow our children to flourish independently.
I’m never perfect at this and I am constantly reminding myself to slow things down. I like to remind myself with a saying that applies to most things for most children, “He won’t be 18 and still dribbling his favorite ice cream down his new shirt.”
And, guess what? If he does, it’s okay, he can buy a new shirt!
This is wonderful! It’s a great reminder to slow down and open our eyes to our children. Thank you!
This is such a powerful post. My husband tends to veer on the side of avoiding messes and shaming our son for them, or at least overreacting in my opinion.
Earlier this week, he snatched a yogurt drink our of the 3-year-old’s hand because it was slopping onto the freshly-mopped hardwood floors. This set our son to crying and it seemed so unnecessary to react that strongly. I keep working with my husband on moments like this. He’s improved over time.
I guess a bib would have made them both happy. I like to look for a win-win if possible when my perspective clashes with my kids’.
How hard is it to wash ice cream out of a shirt anyway? Seeing moments like these make me sooo frustrated with other parents. I try not to be because I know at some point I’m sure I’ve either already behaved in the same manner or I will, out of frustration, but I try REALLY HARD not to. That is all.