Things were going so well. I had a new baby girl. She was an easy baby, and I was doing so much better than I thought I would. I was doing things, going places, even exercising. People had told me that going from one to two children was hard, especially that first year, but I didn’t have that. I was lucky!
Then my son started hitting me occasionally while I nursed the baby, then more often, then Every. Single. Time. He started waking at night. He started tantruming. He started to unravel. Completely unravel.
The night wakings, brief at first, until I’d go in and sleep with him but gaining momentum until he was waking for hours, howling and howling. He was inconsolable. As soon as I’d move he’d wake up, as soon as I had to feed the baby, he’d wake up. It got to the point where he was only sleeping seven hours a day total; no naps. He started chewing on his little blankey until it was completely soaked with saliva. He’d never been a tantrum throwing kid, but now he raged and raged and raged. He threw things until there was nothing left to throw, he hit until we wanted to hit back, he bit until my arms were black
and blue. He fixated on temporary tattoos; he wanted them all the time, and he was covered in them. He fixated on a Nemo ball he’d seen at an oceanfront store and insisted we go back to get it (we didn’t) but he talked about it all day for weeks. He ran away often, once escaping the house to run down the street completely naked. The child was fiercely angry.
I called the pediatrician who suggested he was trying to get my attention where he could and nighttime was the best place to get it. She suggested trying to spend more one on one time with him during the day. She referred me to a child psychiatrist who basically told me the same thing. So on I went, exhausted, delirious and so anxious for my little boy that I felt I wasn’t being a good mother to the baby. No one’s needs were getting met. We were all miserable.
It was a tightrope I was walking and I was starting to lose balance. I was a nervous wreck, but every single day a babysitter or my husband watched the baby for a couple of hours and every single excruciatingly exhausting day I took him somewhere special. For two weeks I did this and it didn’t seem to be working. Nothing I did seemed to help at all. The wet blankey; always a constant reminder of how anxious my little boy was. He was mad at ME. I was the problem; I was certain. I felt guilty for having another child. I began to think I couldn’t do what so many other women could. I now had dipped into “postpartum depression” (hindsight; nervous breakdown) Not surprising, given the little amount of sleep I was getting and the traumatic days I was living. Now my son and I were thriving on each other’s anxiety. It was an endless, upward circle. But one day; one day it broke.
I continued on with our special time, and on this one, ordinary afternoon a friend said something to me at the park. She told me how after she goes on business trips her son always shouts “Go away!” at her. She then asks him if he is mad at her for leaving. Click. Click, click click click…. CLICK!! I needed to talk to him! I spent so much time talking to him about the baby before she was born and trying to prepare him, but somewhere along the line, I had stopped talking; stopped connecting with my son. On the way home as I was buckling him in his car seat, I paused and asked “Are you mad at me because I don’t play with you as much anymore?” His response, so visceral that I backed away from him. “YOU DON’T PLAY WITH ME! ONLY DADDY PLAYS WITH ME! GO AWAY GO AWAY! GO AWAY!” I was dumbfounded. Heartbroken. I didn’t think there was any room for tantrums to get worse, but from this moment on they did. My child was ANGRY and he was letting me know!
During an exceptionally horrible spell, I got down on the hardwood floor with him and yelled along with him. “You are so mad at me! You don’t want to share me anymore! You want your sister to go away! You are so mad!” He stopped for a long moment and stared at me in surprise and awe as if to say “You understand. Thank God, you finally understand.” He climbed into my lap and began to sob. He stayed there for two hours sobbing on and off until he finally fell asleep.
Things began to get better from there. Not right away but slowly, ever so slowly my little boy came back to me. I understood him, I empathized, I let him have his feelings and he began to get them out. I continued Special Time, I began to read his baby photo albums to him again which he absolutley loved and they calmed him tremendously. He asked for them before bedtime and naps for about two months. For the first week he could not separate that the baby in the photos was not his sister, but once he realized it was him something changed and he got it. I could see it register and for the first time, he smiled.
We trudged along things getting better bit by tiny bit when Finally! Finally! That little blankey of his was dry again. And then I could breathe. He survived; we survived and thus began my journey to gentle, respectful parenting.
There were still challenges, he was still clingy, he still wanted help with things he used to do himself. He regressed a bit at each of the baby’s milestones, especially crawling and walking. I learned that this was ok, he was seeking reassurance so I didn’t force him to do things himself that I knew he was physically able to do. I helped him gladly; just as gladly as I accepted help from friends bringing dinner over after the baby was first born. They were helping me because I was overwhelmed. I got it; he was overwhelmed too and that was ok. I decided not to leave him alone with that. I let it be ok and he got over it, in his own time, with me helping.
I learned through a lot of reading that I have a strong willed, Highly Sensitive Child. I found the amazingly helpful Janet Lansbury and Lisa Sunburyand RIE . I attended Positive Discipline Classes; I began to understand my child. I found I was not alone, that lots of people have gone through similar things, and that it almost always takes a few months to really begin to show and sink in that this new baby is not going away. Children are sensitive creatures, they don’t ask for change, they don’t fully understand it and they certainly don’t have the tools to process it. We must help and recognize their cries, whatever form they come in. And we MUST talk about it.
For anyone going through similar transitions please look through these links as well:
http://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/04/helping-kids-adjust-to-life-with-the-new-baby/
http://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/08/new-baby-helping-our-good-kids-express-hard-feelings/
http://piklerexperience.blogspot.com/2013_03_01_archive.html
Thank you for sharing how you got through it with him, K!! This is a great story for and parent planning a second child or having just had one!
Thank you for sharing. That is a beautiful story
I have that first article from Janet Lansbury printed out at home as a reminder when I need it
Brought tears to my eyes. I’m pregnant with my second and trying to soak in so much of this so I can (hopefully hopefully hopefully) have a little toolbox to go to when things get tough. Thanks so much for sharing.
Beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing.
Playamama, I thank you so much for mentioning and linking to me. You are a gifted writer. I can feel your pain…and your son’s pain, too. This is about as tough as parenting gets. Thank you for sharing this inspiring and brave post.
This is a great post. Even when children are older (7 and 5) this is essential to remember.
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing that.
Beautiful, tender, honest… Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. My almost 3-year-old daughter is also a Highly Sensitive Child and I have found so much solace and relief in knowing that – I am continuing to learn about what works with her, but it has certainly helped to know that being Highly Sensitive is not something to be despaired. We just have to keep learning and growing with our children and discover how to bring out their light.
My post about my Highly Sensitive Child: http://juicygreenmom.ca/?p=518
What a touching post, it really got to me. Thank you for sharing your struggle and journey. You wrote about it with such truth.
Going through it right now…
Thank you all for your wonderful feed back! This has been a very cathartic and encouragin post for me.
Thank you for your honesty and openness. I’ve seen a side of my little boy I had never seen before since the baby was born. I also found confidence reading Janet’s posts. Whenever I have a moment I talk to my boy about his feelings. Sometimes when I am exhausted and sleep deprived it’s hard to have the patience when he is testing the boundaries to get my attention. In theory I know he is going through a huge transition, it sometimes is very hard to separate my emotions with logic and be compassionate… but I must… THANK YOU for sharing your story. It brought tears to my eyes.
Wow that was so moving. It made me cry. Deeply cry. I have a 2 year old and a 9 week old. Thank you for posting your story. It taught me to talk more to my boy. Hope your boy is happy and feels your love always.
My dear friend…beautifuly, honestly and open heartedly written post. 🙂 You are not alone. As a mom of two just 14 months apart, 3 1/2 and 2 1/2 respectively, from my own similar experiences, I completely understand the journey of continuious learning and understanding you are on. Just in case you don’t hear it often enough (as so many of us don’t)- Kelly you are wonderful mom! I am proud of and admire the woman and mother you are. 🙂
Thank you for saying such nice things Leah and everyone. Renana- yes my boy came through and is happy and well adjusted and loves his sister! (Except when he doesn’t 😉 they are now 2 and 4.5 and playing together. That first year is hard! You will make it! Please reach out if you need to.
Kelly
Suni- another thought- sometimes they test boundaries BECAUSE they need to get those feelings out. Setting even firmer boundaries gives them more opportunities to cry and release some of that tension. It’s healthy to let it out!
Same issue here x4 with NO daddy time because his work is more important. Paid babysitter has gallstones and quit. No grandparents (dead or in another country) and no aunts, uncles, cousins, or friends. You can’t throw a baby down because your 4 year old refuses to understand that the baby isn’t going away, and no you can’t take special time with any of them. I am sad. They are sad. This won’t end. We live. What can you do? Sometimes life just sucks. Glad your husband plays with your boy and you have someone to watch the baby while you spend time with him. I have to tell my husband when and where to play with my kids, and he always has something that is more important and runs off. At this current moment, I am here nursing at the keyboard with baby asleep in my arms, and my other three are in quiet mode so they don’t wake her up (all hell breaks loose and they know it.) They are in self sufficient mode. I wish I could cuddle all of them. 🙁 It’s 8pm and daddy has been working since 6:30am. Oh well, at least we have nice stuff. smh.
I’m not sure if you will see this comment but I wanted to extend my empathy. It sounds like things are really rough right now. I wish I knew of some experience to help but I only have 1 at the moment.
Kelly, thank you so much for sharing your journey, I was looking forward to it, it brings tears to my eyes, so similar to what we have gone through and doing better now, I was so in shock, my son had never been an aggressive kid but he was so angry and suffering, your little ones are so lucky to have you as their mommy, so persistently supporting them, Thank you Kelly.
Thank you! I’m glad you’re getting through it too.
Hi Kelly. Thanks for sharing your story. I had the same story to tell about my girl who has been the only child for 4 long years, then second baby came. She’s inconsolable. Even when I was at the hospital, she was on the floor bawling and having a fit when her daddy brought our little boy to me. After a few more months, she’s becoming a good older sister.
Thanks for the update Kelly! That is a really interesting insight on setting limits around ‘pre-baby’ activities, thanks for sharing it 🙂 I don’t think that link is setup right though https://respectfulparent.com//motherhoods-best-kept-secret-a-second-child/