– by Dawn Pedersen, M.eD
A Respectful Parent writes,
Hello, I’m new to the RIE community, and I am very keen to educate myself and learn more. I have been searching for some (sane) advice as to how to prepare and care for my 19-month-old son, whom I am leaving with his Dad for 12 days whilst I go to my best friend’s wedding in Mexico. My husband and son have a wonderful, close relationship. Plus we have family close by happy to help too, so I am confident he will be safe, loved and cared for in my absence. But I am concerned about how I talk to him about my trip beforehand, how he’ll cope emotionally whilst I’m gone (to Skype, or not to Skype?!), and how he’ll respond to me on my return. Any helpful advice would be gratefully appreciated. Thank you. N
I asked a number of our RespectfulParent.com authors what they advise, and this is what they said:
K: He’s safe and loved; he’ll be fine. This sounds like a case of mommy being more worried, than how hard it will be for baby. No need to create too much anxiety in advance.
R: What is the routine for his care now, and what will it be while she is away? How long does she have to prepare for this trip? If he is used to her all day every day, I would suggest she start leaving him with dad and other caregivers more often leading up to the trip.
C: Have a conversation about how things will be “different” while you go away to visit some friends, and explain who will be around instead to care for him. Maybe show pictures of the friends, or she can Skype with them beforehand. Then Skype with baby at a certain time every day to check in—for Mom’s sake especially.
A: The Kissing Hand is a great book to read in preparation with the kid. I think 19 months is generally too young for Skype to be helpful, in my limited experience.
J: We did FaceTime with our daughter, and she lost her mind she was soooo upset. We just tell her that we are going to go away for a few days and she will be staying with Grandmere & Papa, and she does great. We do send a little photo album with photos of all her family (not just us).
C: Our son really enjoyed Skype, but loves anything tech. Maybe do a dry run with those friends/someone familiar first to see if it is helpful?
R: Or try FaceTime while mom goes to the grocery store or somewhere in town? That way you can talk about it when you gets home. “It was fun to see you on the screen! When I go on my trip we could talk that way.”
A: I guess it depends if the kid is having a hard time or not. It may also depend on the kid. “S” lost his sh*t when he talked to my husband on FaceTime through all of when he was age 2. He couldn’t handle saying goodbye. Now he enjoys it and it’s helpful. “E” has enjoyed it before, but he was never upset by my husband being gone. Well, he was upset this last time hubby traveled, but we didn’t do FaceTime then. So I am skeptical that it would help to practice FaceTime in advance in a non stressful situation, because I think that what made it hard for “S” was merely the fact that it was a stressful situation.
R: That’s why I think trying it before the trip would be good. They could see how the child reacts. When our daughter and I went to London she was 14 mo and she couldn’t care less when we Skyped with my husband. We kept doing it but it was all for him not for her. Now if he goes on a trip and we Skype she just obsessively wants my phone for the next 3 hours and screams and cries about it so we don’t do it.
A: It might help, but my guess is that what would’ve happened with “S” when he was going through the phase where he couldn’t handle it is this. If my husband was like, at work, or at the store, and we FaceTimed, he would have been fine, but when daddy was out of town, he would have a bad reaction.
D: The most important thing is to remind your husband to let your son feel sad. To acknowledge those feelings and let them be. He might feel it is his job to cheer up and distract. Life is full of partings (to paraphrase Dickens).
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