Why We Can Stop Chasing Connection

In respectful parenting circles, there is so much emphasis on connection that is has become a bit of a buzzword. It has become the commonly suggested solution to almost every behavioral problem. As a result, the pressure to connect with your child is higher than ever. Parents are seeking connection as though it were the parenting holy grail.

To achieve a high level of connection, parents are planning special time, they ‘re using timers to remember it and to end it, they are planning special outings with each child regularly. They’re spreading themselves thin and frankly they are making way too much work for themselves.  I’ve seen this trend escalating lately in some of the online groups I manage and so I decided to share my thoughts on it.

Don’t Plan

Often times when we do plan for connection, it doesn’t meet our expectations. We have one vision, our child, quite another. When you plan for connection the result is almost always disappointment. Certainly, when we plan it every day for 10 minutes like some suggest, it can become a task, something to get done every day and that’s the last thing you want it to be. Connection should be a mutual enjoyment of each other. Connection happens when it happens and it ends when it ends. We can’t be the masters and directors of connection, instead, we should be the masters in the art of good timing.

Don’t Make it So Hard

The good news is connection doesn’t have to be so complicated. In fact, it shouldn’t be. Genuine connection comes in the small moments – the skinned knee, the hurt feelings, the helping with socks, the broken heart, the eating a long meal together. It happens in the moments that you are already having. If you just pay attention and slow down so that you see the person, not the task at hand. Connection comes in listening and seeing your child for who they are, just as they are, right there in that moment – all you have to do is notice.

You don’t have to say yes to every “connection building activity” your child requests. If you don’t like board games, don’t play them. Not a fan of playdough? Don’t do it! These moments aren’t connection anyway. Instead, let your child see a piece of who you really are. Let them know your likes as well as your dislikes, that way you can find something you both like so you can truly enjoy each other rather than going through the motions out of guilt. My friend & colleague Michelle Cescatti who is a RIE Associate and Parent Effectiveness Training Instructor put it well-

 “Our children want to know us. They want to know what makes us tick, what makes us happy, what makes us sad, and what frustrates us. When we reveal the good, the bad, and the ugly, they can understand and empathize, and are more likely to cooperate with and help us. And…they’re more likely to reveal themselves to us.”

In other words, be real, always be real.

Tune-In

To be honest, I prefer the word attunement rather than connection. Attunement is defined as “being or bringing into harmony; a feeling of being ‘at one’ with another being” and I find it much simpler than the broad term of connection.

Often times I see parents put so much emphasis on “connection” or “attachment” that it starts to become literal. The child starts to become an extension of the parent – the parent thinking they are obligated to do everything together –  going to the bathroom together, sleeping together when they don’t want to, wearing their child constantly in baby carriers and all kinds of things the parent doesn’t necessarily want to do. When they do this, parents forget that the child has other needs too, that they are in fact, separate.

The parents in these cases tend to forget their own needs and when those are ignored, attunement is impossible. The child becomes dependent on the parent instead of becoming slowly more independent more separate, more mature. If the child becomes more of an appendage rather than an autonomous person, the parent takes on the sole responsibility of meeting the needs of the child. This can slow the process of the parent and child getting to know each other through authentic observation of each other.

Connection is Only One Kind of Time

It is true that children need connection, or relationship time as a basic need. It’s important to remember that attachment is a sense of safety and trust in a parent and that comes from being honored in more ways than just relationship building.

Honoring the other needs of your child is also connection. Every child, every person also needs Alone Time and Activity Time. Alone Time is a time when a child can process his day, to think, to ponder and just be with himself. Trying to force connection with a child that needs to be alone isn’t going to work. Honoring Alone Time respects the child’s needs and therefore IS connection. It sends the message, “I see what you need, I accept that – you are important.”

Children also need Active Time – a time to be busy, play and run around. They don’t always need or want us for this kind of time, so we don’t have to be obligated to fulfill it. Especially if we know we are already attuned to them in other times.

It’s Not Always Pretty

One of the strongest forms of connection is really listening to an upset child. To understand his anger, his sadness, frustration, fear and any other feelings that may be uncomfortable for us to hear. Really believing that the experience he is having is absolutely true for him in that moment. Listening to the big feelings without telling them that they’re “ok”,  the problem is “not that bad” or trying to distract them from the problem. Truly sitting with them, holding space without trying to fix it and just LET THE FEELINGS BE is the most powerful form of connection there is – it is to be truly understood and accepted in your hardest moments.

That doesn’t mean you need to be held hostage by the feelings either. Truly accepting feelings and letting the child take ownership of them means you don’t need to “own” their feelings either. It means they are capable of handling them. You can accept the problem as their own without being trapped by it. This allows you to have empathy without being disabled by your child’s feelings.

Conflict Builds Relationships

When there is conflict in a relationship and the needs of each person are truly heard, problems can be solved with understanding and compassion rather than with negotiation, manipulation or control. Thomas Gordon wrote, “When people participate in the problem-solving process and develop a mutually acceptable solution, they get the feeling that it is ‘their’ decision.’” When children feel included in the solving of their own problems, the sense of empowerment and trust build and the connection naturally follows.

This is why connection doesn’t have to be sought out or planned for – it is already there if we are paying attention. It is in the everyday moments, the listening, the caring for, the paying attention and seeing your child as a separate person with needs separate from your own. Like so many things in life, it’s in the small stuff, it always has been.

 

You May Also Like:

One Simple Change that Helped my Child With Anxiety – Kelly Meier

One Sure Fire Way your Kids Can Problems Solve (and Get Along) – Kelly Meier

Behavior is Communication – Rebecca Eanes

Don’t waste an Opportunity to Connect with Your Kids – Janet Lansbury, Elevating Childcare

Taking the Brunt of Your Child’s Anger – Kate Russell, Peaceful Parent, Confident Kids