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Respectful Sleep Learning Part I: The Real Danger of “CIO” (It’s Not What You Think!)

February 1, 2014

  – by Tiffany Gough

 

On all the different peaceful/gentle/respectful parenting pages I follow on Facebook, the most common question I see is almost always a variation of this: “HELP!  My baby won’t sleep (anymore).  We’re not functioning well as a family because we’re all sleep deprived.  I need help, but I don’t want to do CIO.  Any advice?” The most common response to this type of post is, “Hang in there, mama!  They’re only little for a short time!” Does this question sound familiar? What about the response?

“CIO” refers to “Cry-It-Out” which is the term typically used to describe the controlled crying and extinction methods of sleep training.  It is a popular term that does not have a consistent definition and carries a negative connotation.  It is often incorrectly assumed to be synonymous with all sleep training.

My issue with the advice given to these parents is that the “Hang in there” response suggests that the real issue is somehow the parent’s lack of patience or love, not sleep dysregulation.  The issue of infant sleep learning is not black and white.  There are so many options between cry-it-out and doing nothing and no parent should be expected to sacrifice herself to prevent her child from ever experiencing discomfort or frustration.  First, because it’s unreasonable, and second, because your children will experience frustration no matter how hard you try to keep it from them, but you all will handle it better if you are well rested.  Read Part III of this series for more information on how to do respectful sleep learning.

More and more, parents are focused on raising their children in accordance with attachment theory, which says that children who develop secure emotional attachments in the first one to two years of life will grow into adults who are able to form secure and stable emotional relationships.  (This is not to be confused with Dr.  Sears’ Attachment Parenting.) Based on a wealth of misleading information, these parents believe that sleep training would mean losing their child’s trust or causing brain damage.  They instead choose a method they call “wait-it-out,” sacrificing their own sleep and well-being every day until (they hope) their child eventually takes a more independent role in sleeping.  This method stems from the desire to maintain a secure attachment with their baby and a simple misunderstanding of the science of sleep.  These parents recoil at the slightest mention of sleep training.

When it comes to babies and sleep, most people think the only options are to hold, rock, nurse, bounce, etc.  (“wait-it-out”), or leave the baby to “cry-it-out”.  Most of these gentle parents do the wait-it-out method because they have written off all sleep training as being detrimental to development of self-regulation, neural connections, caregiver sensitivity and responsiveness, brain development, and even physical health.  The real harm of the use of the term, “CIO”, is that it drives parents to the opposite extreme and does not encourage research or objectivity.  When it comes to sleep learning, people feel very strongly and tend to speak in extremes to make their point.  The unfortunate result of this is a severe misunderstanding of what sleep training really is.

Parents often cite articles such as these when they talk about the dangers of “CIO” and say emphatically that they will never sleep train or let their babies cry:

http://www.evolutionaryparenting.com
http://www.psychologytoday.com
http://www.askdrsears.com
http://www.cnn.com

These articles falsely use “CIO” interchangeably with sleep training.  They also exaggerate and misapply evidence to “prove” the damaging and harmful effects of leaving a young infant to “cry-it-out.” The fact is, the methods and practices referenced are not actually recommended by most sleep experts, nor are they typically suggested for babies under six months old, as these authors claim to imply relevance.  While my son was an infant, I read articles from various experts talking about the stress relieving quality of a good cry and I used what I learned to provide him a safe space to express his feelings, but I didn’t know how to apply what I was learning practically in regard to sleep, because I was so certain the science showed that my baby would be damaged by crying alone and he refused to sleep with me in the room if he wasn’t nursing.

Among the many freely available resources on sleep training (online and print) that allow for crying, most recommend a handful of intermediate approaches before suggesting crying (alone or supported) be used as a tool.  I personally ‘broke down’ and read the toddler chapter of Dr.  Weissbluth’s Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, which I had always feared as one of those books (mostly due to a pervasive misunderstanding of the suggested techniques).  On reading it, there was actually very little I did not agree with or at least understand.  Read one mom’s review of the book here.

So why do so many other parents choose to sleep train? “Studies have shown that poor sleep quality and/or quantity in children are associated with a host of problems, including academic, behavioral, developmental and social difficulties, weight abnormalities, and other health problems.  Not only do pediatric sleep problems affect child health, but they can impact family dynamics and parental or sibling sleep” (stanfordhospital.org).  Healthy sleep should be a priority!  It is the building block for all of our children’s growth and development, as well as for our own ability to function.  So why do we sacrifice it out of fear? If sleep is so important, why leave it to chance?

Read my experience and the result these misunderstandings had on my approach to my son’s sleep up next in Respectful Sleep Learning Part II and how to counter the fear with useful, practical sleep tools in Respectful Sleep Learning Part III.

 

Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission.  I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers.

Categories: Behavior & Discipline, Feeding & Nutrition, Physical Health & Safety, Sleep 2 Comments / Share

« How We Learned about Sleep – The RIE Way
Respectful Sleep Learning Part II: My Story »

Comments

  1. Suchada @ Mama Eve says

    February 1, 2014 at 7:47 pm

    Wow, this describes my own journey with my children and sleep to a “T”. Thank you so much for writing this! I hope more of us speaking out will turn the tide of sleep deprivation and guilt and help other new mamas connect with their children *and* be well-rested.

    Reply
    • Tiffany Gough says

      February 2, 2014 at 4:26 pm

      Thanks, Suchada! I have been such a fan of your blog and it really helped me to finally understand the whole “sleep thing”. I appreciate your stamp of approval! 🙂

      Reply

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Daily Parenting Inspiration

“How dare you defy me!” 😱 Gulp.

The word “defiance” always makes me pause. What do we really mean when we say a child is being defiant?

They won’t listen.
They won’t cooperate.
They won’t do what we want.
But… what if what we want isn’t compatible with what they need in that moment? And what if their “defiance” is really just them using the only tool they have to stand up for themselves? (Because let’s be honest—kids see power being used all the time!)

What if, instead of labeling it as defiance, we listened? What if we got curious about what was so important to them that it was stopping them from helping us?

💡 Here’s an example:

Child A wears a new hat to school. Child B snatches it off her head.
Teacher takes the hat from Child A.
Child A, totally incensed, SNEAKS it back. Twice.

At first glance? Defiance.
But when the teacher listens, she learns that Child A isn’t being stubborn—she feels punished for someone else’s actions.

So the teacher gives her more information:
"The hat was distracting me while I was talking, and I needed to finish."

And just like that, the child responds:
"Well, if I knew that, I would’ve put it in my backpack. Can I do that instead? I’m worried it’ll get taken sitting out like that."

✨ BOOM. Cooperation. ✨

Instead of wielding power and getting defiance in return, the teacher communicated—and got a natural, thoughtful solution.

Isn’t communication the best?! 😍

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One of the biggest reasons I teach Parent Effectiv One of the biggest reasons I teach Parent Effectiveness Training? 👇

Because I used to wonder: Why do some kids tell their parents everything while others hide it all?

When my kids were little, I was determined to figure this out. And what I found boiled down to two simple (but not easy!) things:

✨ Acceptance & Listening. ✨

When kids feel accepted—when they know we’re truly listening without judgment, criticism, or unsolicited advice—they open up. They feel safe. They feel loved. ❤️

Is this hard? YES. Especially when they share something that makes you want to scream, panic, or hand them a 10-step plan for better choices. 😅

But here’s the thing: My kids tell me.
They tell me when they’re in a mess and need help.
They tell me when something is weighing on their conscience.
And most of the time—once they’ve been heard—they actually ask for advice.

One simple phrase that helps:
👉 “Do you want me to just listen, or do you want advice?”

If they want advice, I share it—gently. If they don’t, I zip it. (Not easy, but worth it. 😆)

And you know what? The time for advice always comes.

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Or 3-year-olds… or 5-year-olds! 😆 Does it re Or 3-year-olds… or 5-year-olds! 😆

Does it really matter if they insist the cup is blue when it’s clearly purple? 💜➡️💙

Does it matter if they say, “No, these aren’t Vans, they’re Airwalks!” 🤷‍♀️

Does it matter if they swear the teacher won’t care… even when you know the teacher definitely will?

NO. No, it doesn’t. 🙃

They’ll learn. This will pass.

I’ve learned to just say “OK” and move on. They heard me. They’ll process it (even if they never admit it). And more often than not… it sinks in. 😉

Don’t forget I have a class coming up that will help you out of power struggles like a BOSS!

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Link in bio
Tired of nagging? Here’s what actually works. L Tired of nagging? Here’s what actually works.

Last week, we talked about who owns the problem—a key part of the Behavior Window in Parent Effectiveness Training. If your child is struggling, they own the problem. Your job? Listen and guide.

But what happens when you own the problem? 🤔

Let’s say:
🚿 Your child leaves wet towels and clothes on the bathroom floor.
⏳ Your child plays Legos before school and is running late—but you have a meeting to get to.

They’re not bothered. But you are.

So how do you get them to change—without nagging, bribing, or battling?

💡 Enter the Confrontive I-Message. It’s a simple way to communicate clearly so your child actually wants to help. It has three parts:

1️⃣ Describe what you see (no judgments like “messy” or “irresponsible”).
2️⃣ Explain the impact on you.
3️⃣ Share how you feel about it.

Here’s how it might go:

🚿 Scenario 1: The Wet Towels
👩‍👧 “Hey Maya, I have a bit of a problem I could use your help with…”
(This gives your child a moment to shift into Helper mode.)
👧 “Okay…”
👩‍👧 “When wet towels are left on the floor, I don’t have one to use and have to find a dry one. It’s frustrating to do that while dripping wet.”
👧 “Oh… sorry, Mom. I’ll go pick them up.”
👩‍👧 “Thank you!”

⏳ Scenario 2: Running Late
👩‍👦 “Hey kiddo, I’m a bit worried because it’s almost time to go, and you’re not ready for school. I really can’t be late for my meeting.”
👦 “Okay, let me just add this last piece, and I’ll hurry up.”
👩‍👦 “Thank you, I’d appreciate that.”

Sound too good to be true? Maybe. Maybe not. Sometimes, kids just need to understand the impact of their actions instead of hearing nagging reminders. And yes, sometimes they still resist… but we’ll talk about that next time. 😉

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Sometimes things like finding the shoes, not being Sometimes things like finding the shoes, not being late, making sure the homework gets done feel so urgent.

So we insist.

We rush things.

We pressure.

What if we didn’t? These moments are not emergencies. No one will be harmed if we are late to that party or even late to school. No one.

Except maybe our kids’ self esteem.

Maybe our relationship with them.

The thing is, most things in parenting that FEEL like emergencies, are not.

It’s ok to slow down.

It’s ok to revisit the homework issue when you’re in a place of compassion.

It’s ok to wait.

When we wait and recognize these moments are not emergencies, NOT reflections of us, we find that we do not send stressed children off to school, we do not have a child crying over the missing shoes or unfinished homework.

You wait, the shoe might be found, it might not.

You wait and listen about how hard, or stupid, or boring the homework is and then you figure it out. Together.

This is my mantra when I feel like rushing everyone or engaging in a power struggle.

“Is this an EMERGENCY?”

Most often it’s not. The question slows me down, helps me prioritize the people in front of me instead of the things that need to get done.

#slowdown #parenting #parenteffectivenesstraining #sandiegomom #parentingclasses #emotionalawareness #raisethechildchangetheworld #hitpause See less
This is a big one! If you want your child to tell This is a big one! If you want your child to tell you the big things, it's tricky if they hear you judge others. They may not think you will accept their own truths and stop sharing with you. 

One of the most powerful ways of showing acceptance is Active Listening. When a child expresses a problem, try not to offer advice, solutions or analyze. Just listen, reflect back what you hear, and watch them continue to think the problem through on their own. 

One of the most powerful ways of showing acceptance is Active Listening. When a child expresses a problem, try not to offer advice or solutions or analyze. Just listen, reflect back what you hear and watch them continue to think the problem through on their own. 

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Parent Effectiveness Training is made up of a very Parent Effectiveness Training is made up of a very specific set of communication skills that enable parents to positively influence their children’s behavior. It is a blueprint for following the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you.

At the very root of P.E.T. is a belief that children aren’t bad or mischievous; they simply behave in ways that satisfy their particular needs at the moment. A baby cries because he is hungry; four-year-old sticks her hands into a can of paint and spills it on the carpet because she wants to play with the paint, to explore; a sixteen-year-old comes home later than you feel is safe because he feels a need to be with his friends.

Children have the right to meet their needs, but parents do too. It is in meeting these conflicting needs that most parent/child relationships get into trouble. Some parents insist on obedience from their children, so they get their needs met at the expense of the children meeting theirs’. Other parents, wishing to spare their children any hurt and aggravation, give in and let their children get their way, but then the parents suffer. Either way, someone is left feeling resentful of the other. It is this constant cycle of power struggles and the subsequent pent-up resentments that result that slowly begin to erode the parent/child relationship.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. There is a third option: Both parents and children can get their needs met. 

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Whew that's a lot to think about! The more accep Whew that's a lot to think about! 

The more accepting our parents were of us.

The more accepting we are of ourselves.

The more accepting we are of ourselves, the more accepting we are of others.

The good news is once we identify this, we can change our area of acceptance and therefore our child's acceptance of themselves.

Helping future genertions become more accepting of others.

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