A mom recently told me her son told a lie to his teacher saying he completed work at school when he didn’t. He was punished at school but she wanted to know if she should also give him consequences at home to help him understand that lying is wrong. She also wondered if he should have him write an apology letter.
This is hot button issue that comes up a lot so I decided to share my thoughts on lying. I don’t think it’s as big a problem as many people may think.
And here’s why…
They’re Not Doing it for the Reasons Adults Think
I don’t believe that children lie because they are morally bad people or even headed down the path of corruption. It can be easy to project morals onto a lie, but what a lie usually tells us is that the child is just really uncomfortable telling the truth. Our job as parents is to find out why that is, and how the lie helped the child try to fix a problem.
A lie is a symptom – it tells us that the child doesn’t know a better way to fix his problem. Therefore he tries to fix his problem the best and fastest way he knows how – by lying. Rather than condemning the lie, we can investigate the reasons behind it so that we can help the child succeed.
1. Investigate the Reason for the Lie
There are many reasons a child might lie about homework or schoolwork to a teacher. Depending on the circumstance, parents can include questions such as: Was the work too difficult and therefore the child was too embarrassed or overwhelmed to admit it? Was the work too easy and the child was bored? Was the child ashamed that he had forgotten to do it? Was he afraid of punishment or judgment and therefore trying to avoid it? Was he locked into a power struggle because he felt a loss of control over his situation?
Sometimes young children lie because they know they did something wrong and wish with all their might that the alternate version they have created was true. They wish it so much that they believe it themselves. All of these things are possible scenarios that are much easier to address when we know the underlying motive
2. Examine the Relationship
When a child lies, parents (or the adults in their lives like teachers) first need to ask what they might have done to make this child not trust them. A lie is a signal of mistrust and often times, children lie to avoid our judgment, harsh reactions or punishments. Fear has no place in a relationship and if a child is lying, self-reflect on how you or the other adults in his life contributed to that scenario.
3. Don’t Punish
Generally speaking, we want children to learn to do things out of consideration for others, not because they are worried about punishment or trying to get a reward. We want them to do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do, not to protect themselves or to get something out of it. When we remove fear, it opens up space for trust and when there is trust, there is no reason to lie.
When parents punish a child for lying it will teach the child to lie again later to avoid the punishment – they will just have learned to lie better! The goal should be a relationship built on trust so that your child can trust you next time instead of mistrusting you with another a lie. Parents are the safe people, the people who will accept the child no matter what he says, so when parents get angry about lying, the chances of hearing about future problems diminish.
4. Help Solve
Parents should examine who the problem is between or in other words who owns the problem. If a child lies at school the problem is between him and the school, we don’t need to intervene if the school has already dealt with the behavior. Trust that he understands the situation and don’t double down on punishment at home. Instead, be the person he can trust to let out his real feelings and deal with those so you can hear the real problem that made him lie in the first place. Then you can help him solve that so next time…he doesn’t feel he needs to lie. You take a step toward building your relationship and he takes a step towards maturity instead of just telling you what you want to hear.
5. Don’t Force Apologies
It is a nice sentiment to have a child apologize after they have done something wrong, who doesn’t want to have a child who is accountable and responsible after all? However, when adults force a child to apologize when they either don’t mean it or aren’t ready, it reinforces lying. They are learning that they can apologize without meaning it (lie) to get out of the situation. It’s a much more authentic thing when a child apologizes on his own rather than at the prompting of an adult.
When children are truly ready, often times they will apologize in a far more sincere way. My son once wronged a neighbor by accidentally hitting her in the head with a Frisbee. He ran inside because he felt so bad, but rather than go get him and have him apologize, I let it be. I let him sit with his feelings and two days later he went down to the neighbor’s house with his little guitar and sang her a song to apologize to her. This powerful apology would never have happened if he’d been forced to say he was sorry sooner.
The Conversation
Here is what a post-lie conversation might sound like. Notice that the parent just reflects back what he thinks the child feels and says. He doesn’t give solutions, suggestions or moral judgments of anything the child says. He just listens, which keeps the problem with the child.
Parent: It sounds like it was a rough day at school..?
Child: It was! I HATE Mrs. Johnson!
Parent: She really gave you a hard time didn’t she..??
Child: Yes, she’s always on my case about something.
Parent: Sounds like you think she really has it in for you….
Child: She does! I mean that work was stupid in the first place.
Parent: You really thought it was a waste of time…
Child: Yeah, I mean nobody knows how to do it and then she just gets mad at us when we don’t do it.
Parent: Ah, so the assignment was too hard and NOBODY knows how to do it not just you…?
Child: No, but I’m the only one who hid mine, I thought maybe she’d leave me alone if she didn’t see it.
Parent: I see you were trying to get her off your back….
Child: Yes, and I didn’t want her to know I didn’t know how to do it because then she’d announce it and everyone would know.
Parent: You didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of the whole class….?
Child: NO! I already don’t have any friends in there as it is.
Parent: You wish you had more friends..?
Child: Yeah…but I guess telling her I didn’t have it didn’t help either.
Parent: So telling her you didn’t have it didn’t do much good either..?
Child: No, next time maybe I’ll ask Jack, he’s really smart and maybe he can explain it to me.
Parent: Sounds like you know a better way next time.
Child: Yeah… I’m sorry, Dad. I know I shouldn’t have done that.
Parent: I know you do.
Child: Maybe I’ll tell her that tomorrow.
Parent: Sounds like a good idea.
Child: Thanks, Dad!
And that is why avoiding these 5 things can help stop lying. When you listen long enough, children can think through a problem and come to their own conclusions. They know that you will listen and they’ll be more likely to come back to you, again and again.
You might also like:
How Silence Fosters Connection – By Kelly Meier
When Young Children Tell Lies – by Rebecca Eanes, Creative Child Magazine
You’ll Be Sorry – Children and Apologies – by Janet Lansbury
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