When Fear Takes Over Your Child

Fear – it’s one of those emotions that can be alarming to parents. Typically we want to help children move past it and show them that everything is perfectly ok – that there’s nothing to be afraid of,  or that we can stop their fear for them. We do all sorts of things to stop the fear. We spray monster spray, we avoid leaving our child at daycare, or even in another room to use the bathroom, shower, sleep. Fear can be so, well…scary!

Let’s examine this:

Fear is Just a Feeling

I’ve written about feelings and accepting them as the child’s own before because when we try to fix feelings we often send the message that feelings are not ok. Letting a child cry while just listening and letting it be without wanting to stop it or make it better is hard. However, listening sends the message of acceptance, that how they are feeling right now is perfectly normal, acceptable and probably even needed for the child to move through it.

Letting a child express emotions shows them that they can handle feelings, that feelings pass on their own and they don’t need someone else to stop them or to take over. They learn when feelings are fully expressed that feelings serve a purpose and have a beginning and an end. They learn that feelings change!

When we start to feel the way the child is feeling, it might be that we are starting to “own” the child’s feelings as our own. That is, we are taking over the feeling for them, feeling sorry for them, helpless or even frustrated. “When you can see the child as a person separate from yourself, you can empathize with a child’s feelings without becoming disabled by them” as this modified quote from Thomas Gordon put it so clearly. This helps them work through the problem with support rather than taking ownership away from them which tells them they can’t handle the problem and that’s probably not what we want to say at all.

We Might Be Making it Worse

When we freak out because our child is afraid, it sends the message that their fear is so scary it scares you, too. Instead of accepting the fear as normal, we unintentionally send the message that it must be really scary if my strong parent is acting like this.

Here’s an example: Long ago when my son was 3 years old he had some severe separation anxiety. He didn’t like it when I left him in his car seat to grab an item like sunglasses from the house. To solve this, I told him I would run as fast as I could to get the item and see how high he could count before I returned. He would still cry but then he was crying AND counting and it was just a mess. I was distracting him from his fear, not letting him experience it and allowing for him to learn that I come back and he’s fine.

I mentioned this in a group and one of the moderators jokingly (sorta) said, “Well, of course, he’s afraid, you’re literally running to stop his fear. You know he’s alright when you go to the house, right?” Of course, rationally I did know this, “but he didn’t seem fine.” I told her. She said then, “You want to send the message, that you, the grown-up know that he’s ok. When he knows that YOU know he’s ok, he’ll stop reacting so strongly.” Sure enough, that was the case. I started walking calmly to get my sunglasses instead of running with urgency, and you know what happened? My son was calmer;  I wasn’t sending the message that he should be afraid. I was letting him know that it’s ok if he feels that way, but I know he’s safe and so I will behave that way. I started to just listen to and acknowledge his fear and then do my thing.   I thought I had the accepting feelings thing down; turns out fear was my Achilles heel. Learn and grow.

 

 You Might Also Like:

I Accept the Mess – Kelly Meier, Respectful Parent

A Different Kind of Cry – Kelly Meier, Respectful Parent

Fear: Nothing to Be Afraid Of – Linda Adams, Leadership Effectiveness Training

More Helpful Stuff for Better Active Listening – Georgina Watson, Parent Effectiveness Training