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Be Curious, Not Furious…Helping with Tantrums

February 8, 2020

calming tantrum

Welcome to my video series, the first in my series is on taming tantrums and how to be CURIOUS, not FURIOUS! Below is a video with captions or for those of you who prefer to read the transcript is below:

Hi, this is Kelly from RespectfulParent.com, and today I’m going to talk to you about tantrums, strong feelings and how to get through those or how to prevent them.

The first thing I want you to remember is we’re going to talk about how to be curious, not furious before you go into handling the tantrum.

Sometimes kids will get fixated on something and the more you say no, the more the tantrum comes.

And so what do you do about that? First, you recognize first that they are really being persistent and really fixated on something and saying no isn’t helping. That’s not necessarily that I mean that you want to say yes, but you want to find a solution. So my question is, what does that do for you? What need does that fill? Because all behavior meets a need. What special value does that pink sippy cup have versus the blue sippy cup or the green? What is that doing for the child?

Sometimes you can figure that out and sometimes you can’t. But sometimes it’s they want to feel special, sometimes it’s just they’ve been told no so many times and that last no just sends them over the edge. “So why do you want the blue sippy cup? What does that do for you?”  “It makes me feel good. It makes me feel special.”  So they want to feel special. They want to feel like they’re important.

What To Do

So maybe there’s another way, if that one is dirty and you can’t wash it or it’s lost at school, that they can feel special another way. So you can ask them, “Okay, so that’s one way to feel special. What’s another way to feel special?” And then they can help problem-solve with you and be a little bit more in charge of their destiny and their autonomy.

And you just want to understand. So instead of saying no or deflecting and saying, “Have this one, have that one,” and trying to come up with all these ideas that will make them happy, let them think of it, what would make you feel special?

All you have to do is figure out what they are trying to do with that behavior. And then sometimes they can solve it on their own, but a lot of times the tantrum happens anyway, especially with young kids under four. They’re prone to that. Their executive function isn’t there, they can’t keep their feelings in control all the time, so it depends on how strong these feelings are, how strong the tantrum is.

Sometimes just sitting there and writing it out is the only thing you can do. Silence, because sometimes talking will make it worse. They just can’t handle any more input to all that they can… All their feelings are consumed in this tantrum and crying and they can’t hear what you say anyway, so don’t say anything. Just sit there.

Sometimes just acknowledging… “I know…. this is hard. This is hard.” Less is more sometimes with those big ones and with the littler kids.

However, when the tantrum happens, what happens is their lid flips, they get emotionally flooded. So once they start to calm down a little bit, you can reflect back what you think is wrong and how they’re feeling.

“You’re really disappointed, you really wanted to go to that friend’s house today. You really didn’t want to miss soccer practice and you’re sad.”

And so what that does is it engages the thinking part of their brain and helps them become more rational and help their brain integrate a little bit. So if you can name what they’re feeling, what you think they’re feeling… They’ll correct you if you’re wrong. “No, I’m not disappointed. I’m so mad,” or, “I’m not disappointed. I hate everything.” They’ll correct you and you can continue on from there. But that helps get them emotionally regulated and re-engage the brain.

The other thing it does is it helps them understand themselves. Sometimes when they’re so upset and they don’t know why they’re so upset, but you have an inkling and you can gauge if you’re on the right track by the way they react and then you can keep going with this train of thought. So it also helps self-awareness.

“So you’re saying you’re really mad. You didn’t want to miss that game. You wanted to go to that friend’s house and you can’t, she’s not there.” It helps them understand it. It helps them understand what they’re feeling and they can move through it a little bit faster.

When they say “I HATE YOU!”

The other thing is that sometimes they’ll say things that indicate they’re really upset. “I hate you. You’re the worst,” and you repeat back what you think they’re feeling. Not the words that you hear, but what you think those words mean. “You’re saying, you hate me. You must be really, really upset. I’ve hurt your feelings and you don’t like that at all.” So you’re modeling back a more appropriate way for them to tell you that without shaming them or blaming them or making it worse. Because when they say they hate you, they mean I’m really, really mad at you, and so you can give them those words without saying, use your words or anything that’s going to make it worse and make them feel a little bit demeaned. And this is laying the groundwork for empathy, for self-awareness, and for emotional intelligence.

So that is how we handle tantrums in our house. So far, so good. Does it stop all of them? No. Feelings need to come out. We’re not going to listen away all feelings, but accepting them and doing it this way makes your child feel accepted, makes them feel like they’re valued, and that their feelings matter.

 

Please accept statistics, marketing cookies to watch this video.

Again, thank you for listening. This is Kelly at Respectful Parent.

For more about tantrums and conflict you may also enjoy:
One Question that Changed Our Parenting Game

I Accept the Mess: What Setting Limits Looks Like

One Researched-Backed Way to Diminish Toddler Tantrums – The Thoughtful Parent

How Parents Can Better Handle Playground Conflict- 5 Steps – Dr. Tina Payne Bryson,

 

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“How dare you defy me!” 😱 Gulp.

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What if, instead of labeling it as defiance, we listened? What if we got curious about what was so important to them that it was stopping them from helping us?

💡 Here’s an example:

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Teacher takes the hat from Child A.
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But when the teacher listens, she learns that Child A isn’t being stubborn—she feels punished for someone else’s actions.

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✨ BOOM. Cooperation. ✨

Instead of wielding power and getting defiance in return, the teacher communicated—and got a natural, thoughtful solution.

Isn’t communication the best?! 😍

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One of the biggest reasons I teach Parent Effectiv One of the biggest reasons I teach Parent Effectiveness Training? 👇

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When my kids were little, I was determined to figure this out. And what I found boiled down to two simple (but not easy!) things:

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They tell me when they’re in a mess and need help.
They tell me when something is weighing on their conscience.
And most of the time—once they’ve been heard—they actually ask for advice.

One simple phrase that helps:
👉 “Do you want me to just listen, or do you want advice?”

If they want advice, I share it—gently. If they don’t, I zip it. (Not easy, but worth it. 😆)

And you know what? The time for advice always comes.

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Or 3-year-olds… or 5-year-olds! 😆 Does it re Or 3-year-olds… or 5-year-olds! 😆

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Does it matter if they swear the teacher won’t care… even when you know the teacher definitely will?

NO. No, it doesn’t. 🙃

They’ll learn. This will pass.

I’ve learned to just say “OK” and move on. They heard me. They’ll process it (even if they never admit it). And more often than not… it sinks in. 😉

Don’t forget I have a class coming up that will help you out of power struggles like a BOSS!

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💡 Enter the Confrontive I-Message. It’s a simple way to communicate clearly so your child actually wants to help. It has three parts:

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3️⃣ Share how you feel about it.

Here’s how it might go:

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👩‍👧 “Hey Maya, I have a bit of a problem I could use your help with…”
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👧 “Okay…”
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👧 “Oh… sorry, Mom. I’ll go pick them up.”
👩‍👧 “Thank you!”

⏳ Scenario 2: Running Late
👩‍👦 “Hey kiddo, I’m a bit worried because it’s almost time to go, and you’re not ready for school. I really can’t be late for my meeting.”
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✨ Want to make parenting easier? These skills take practice, but once you start using them, conflicts smooth out, parenting feels lighter, and your relationship grows stronger.

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Sometimes things like finding the shoes, not being Sometimes things like finding the shoes, not being late, making sure the homework gets done feel so urgent.

So we insist.

We rush things.

We pressure.

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Except maybe our kids’ self esteem.

Maybe our relationship with them.

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It’s ok to revisit the homework issue when you’re in a place of compassion.

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You wait, the shoe might be found, it might not.

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This is my mantra when I feel like rushing everyone or engaging in a power struggle.

“Is this an EMERGENCY?”

Most often it’s not. The question slows me down, helps me prioritize the people in front of me instead of the things that need to get done.

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This is a big one! If you want your child to tell This is a big one! If you want your child to tell you the big things, it's tricky if they hear you judge others. They may not think you will accept their own truths and stop sharing with you. 

One of the most powerful ways of showing acceptance is Active Listening. When a child expresses a problem, try not to offer advice, solutions or analyze. Just listen, reflect back what you hear, and watch them continue to think the problem through on their own. 

One of the most powerful ways of showing acceptance is Active Listening. When a child expresses a problem, try not to offer advice or solutions or analyze. Just listen, reflect back what you hear and watch them continue to think the problem through on their own. 

Sign up below:
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Parent Effectiveness Training is made up of a very Parent Effectiveness Training is made up of a very specific set of communication skills that enable parents to positively influence their children’s behavior. It is a blueprint for following the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you.

At the very root of P.E.T. is a belief that children aren’t bad or mischievous; they simply behave in ways that satisfy their particular needs at the moment. A baby cries because he is hungry; four-year-old sticks her hands into a can of paint and spills it on the carpet because she wants to play with the paint, to explore; a sixteen-year-old comes home later than you feel is safe because he feels a need to be with his friends.

Children have the right to meet their needs, but parents do too. It is in meeting these conflicting needs that most parent/child relationships get into trouble. Some parents insist on obedience from their children, so they get their needs met at the expense of the children meeting theirs’. Other parents, wishing to spare their children any hurt and aggravation, give in and let their children get their way, but then the parents suffer. Either way, someone is left feeling resentful of the other. It is this constant cycle of power struggles and the subsequent pent-up resentments that result that slowly begin to erode the parent/child relationship.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. There is a third option: Both parents and children can get their needs met. 

Learn More or Sign up:
Online Course Starting Tuesday Mornings March 25th - May 20th
9:30am - 12:30pm Pacific Time
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Whew that's a lot to think about! The more accep Whew that's a lot to think about! 

The more accepting our parents were of us.

The more accepting we are of ourselves.

The more accepting we are of ourselves, the more accepting we are of others.

The good news is once we identify this, we can change our area of acceptance and therefore our child's acceptance of themselves.

Helping future genertions become more accepting of others.

A Parent Effectiveness Training Course can help you with this in 8 short weeks. It's a brain stretcher for sure, but a sure way to grow!

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