One Question That Changed Our (Co-)Parenting Game

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“What’s Your Plan?”

Guest Post by Tara Bosier, The Bosiers are Blended

When Kelly first told me that asking these three words could change my life and the morale of our blended family, I was extremely skeptical. Parenting in a blended family with two households is hard, especially since our children have to remember (or have) two of everything. Making it more complicated, our girls are still at the end of the “threenager” stage, and they were doing it all… the whining, temper tantrums, pushing their boundaries and trying to negotiate everything.

It’s been about ten years since our sons, ages 16 and 13, went through this stage together. I have always felt that including our children in their own decisions helped create independence – and that’s a great thing until you’re trying to reason with your three-year-old who believes it’s acceptable to wake up at 3 am and play on their tablet until dawn. (If there’s a hell on Earth, it begins with a child that started their day at 3 am.)

Why we teach our children that our actions have natural consequences…

I will never forget the night that my daughter was the three-year-old from the paragraph above. Her dramatic cries throughout because something went wrong, which sparked cries from her sister, Elsie because “She won’t be quiet! Mia, you hurt my ears!!” This kept reoccurring throughout the day until finally, she decided that she needed a nap. Even after the nap, Mia was still cranky. Once I finally made it to my own bed basking in the alone and quiet actually felt like a reward. Mia learned something that day – when we don’t sleep enough at night, it upsets our body the next morning and we don’t feel our best.

By helping Mia and Elsie to connect the dots themselves, we are helping them come to a desirable outcome that everyone can live with. The best part is they’ve brought themselves to the conclusion of the situation so they are less likely to have an emotional breakdown or outburst – because they realize there are natural consequences when they stay up too late (they’re tired) or when they miss school (they missed something exciting with their friends at school.) 

Through asking our children what their plan is, we’ve empowered them to take ownership of their actions instead of simply reacting to one situation after another, and we’re teaching them that they need to plan ahead to get the results they want.

Tara Bosier is the author of the upcoming book, Raising Team Chaos: The Bosiers are Blended. You can follow her on Instagram at @tarabisme.

For more on what Tara means by “What’s Your Plan?’ Check out this quick video for one helpful parenting strategy.