Gentle Parenting Isn’t the Problem. Mixed Messages Are.
Lately, I’ve been feeling a little fired up. There’s been a lot of criticism of gentle parenting circulating, and much of it comes from a misunderstanding. The assumption seems to be that gentle parenting means children can do whatever they want, with no limits, no boundaries, and no accountability. That’s simply not true.
And yes, I hear the “Back in my day…” comments. If you believe parenting only works when kids are afraid of your anger, we have different ideas about what “working” means. Fear may get quick obedience, but it doesn’t teach judgment, empathy, or self-control. If that’s your standard, this won’t be your article. If you want something sturdier than fear to help fine-tune your toolbox, read on.
What’s often missing from the conversation is one critical concept: congruency. Congruency means making sure our words actually match our actions. When they don’t, children receive mixed messages. And mixed messages almost always invite limit testing. Not because kids are manipulative or trying to be difficult, but because they’re trying to understand what we really mean.
What Mixed Messages Look Like in Real Life
Imagine this common bedtime scenario. You tell your young child, “I’m really tired and need to sleep. Reading another book keeps me from getting to sleep.” That’s a clear, respectful, and honest message. But then your child runs off, and you chase them down the hallway.
Now the message has changed. Your words say you’re tired, but your actions say you have energy for a game of tag. So your child keeps testing, not out of defiance, but because they’re trying to figure out which message is the real one.
Another Common Example: The Car
Here’s one many parents recognize instantly. Your child is screaming or kicking the back of your seat while you’re driving. You say, “I don’t feel safe driving when you scream like that,” but you continue driving anyway.
From your child’s point of view, the conclusion is simple: this must not actually be unsafe, because the car is still moving. Again, the issue isn’t the words. It’s the mismatch between words and actions.
This Shows Up With Teens Too
Congruency matters just as much with teens, especially around safety. Let’s say your teen has their driver’s permit and you tell them, “I don’t feel comfortable when you go that far over the speed limit.” That’s honest and appropriate. But the next time you go somewhere, you still hand them the keys and hope for the best.
Now the message gets muddy. A more congruent response might be choosing to drive yourself next time. Not as a punishment, but as a clear follow-through that says, I meant what I said. Safety matters to me. This isn’t about being harsh or controlling. It’s about being believable.
Why Congruency Matters
When our actions line up with our words, children don’t have to test as much. They trust us. They believe us. And many power struggles start to ease on their own. That’s what gentle parenting done well actually looks like: clear, calm, and congruent.
You don’t have to choose between being loving and being effective. You can be both.
Want Support Putting This Into Practice?
These are exactly the kinds of real-life situations we work through in Parent Effectiveness Training. Not theory. Not perfection. Just practical tools for everyday parenting moments.
If this feels familiar and you’re tired of the testing, from your kids and yourself, my next P.E.T. course starts soon and I’d love to support you.
Parent Effectiveness Training
☀️ Tuesday mornings
🗓️ April 7th – May 26th
⌚ 9:30 am – 12:30 pm (Pacific Standard Time)
For working parents and leaders, I’m also teaching Leader Effectiveness Training (L.E.T.), which is recognized by SHRM and offers up to 21 Professional Development Credits (PDCs).
Other Articles you may like:
I Accept the Mess: What Limit Setting Looks Like
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