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The Secret to Staying Calm when You’re Mad

April 14, 2019

angry child

We work hard to raise independent kids. We cultivate their skills, listen to their worries, and peacefully handle their resistance.  But we are also human.  And we, as parents, have big feelings too.  So what do we do when anger seems to take over?

I had a serious anger moment a while ago.  It all could have gone so badly.  But I was able to make a choice in the moment because I understood one important thing – anger is a secondary feeling. I knew I had a different more vulnerable feeling FIRST.

My daughter is 6, almost 7, and we went for a bike ride.  Well, she rode and I walked (including pushing her up a big hill) 🙂.

She usually rides ahead and stops at the corners and waits. There are no streets to cross except one by our house.  We have been practicing crossing the one busy street near our house for years and have worked up to her telling me when it’s safe to cross and after I check both ways, I nod and we go. That’s our normal plan and she’s generally pretty timid until I give the formal “OK”.

girl on bike

We were coming to the end of our usual route and, as I came to the corner, she wasn’t there. Ok, no big deal, she’s probably close.  So I walked further up along our route… she is still nowhere to be found.  Now the very busy street that is nearest our house was in sight and I still can’t see my daughter

I was getting scared. I asked a neighbor if he’d seen her.  He said “no” and offered to drive around looking for her.  Meanwhile, I texted my husband to see if she had made her way home.  She had!  She’d crossed the street and gone home! I told him I was scared and people were looking for her.

I started to make my way home. My daughter came running up the hill to me, crying and jumped into my arms. She felt so bad to have scared me.

I thought to myself “This is my chance. I’m going to tap into my fear. I consciously chose to not give in to anger. That was not my first, most authentic feeling. Nor was it the one I wanted her to hear. I had to be mindful that fear came first, before anger.

The Message

Me: A, I was so scared! You’ve never done that before and I didn’t know where you were or if you were safe! People were out looking for you!

A: I know Mama, Dad told me, I’m sorry!

Me: What happened?

A: I’m not sure I just thought I could do it.

Me: (Listening to understand) It sounds like you were feeling really brave.

A: (Relaxing) I was! I wasn’t afraid this time!

Me: That’s a big deal for you, I know. (now my message) Also…I was scared and I’m worried you’ll do it again without me knowing.

A: I won’t, I’ll tell you and ask if it’s ok next time.

Me: Ok that works much better for me. Thank you.

Anger is a secondary emotion.  I was angry, but I had enough time to realize that I was actually scared.  If I hadn’t recognized this, and gotten mad at her, I wouldn’t have discovered that she was brave.  I wouldn’t have been able to problem solve with her.  Communication between us would have shut down and her trust would have been broken because anger is almost ALWAYS received as a blameful message. I wanted her to hear ME not a voice of blame.

So how do we manage to not fall into the trap of unleashing our anger in the moment?  How do we keep communication open?

Get in Touch with Yourself

What are you feeling? Is it anger? Anger is typically a secondary emotion.

What did you feel first? Communicate the primary feeling authentically.

“A, I was so scared! You’ve never done that before and I didn’t know where you were or if you were safe! People were out looking for you!”

Listen to Understand

Notice how the child responds to your statement.  What is the child feeling?  Why did they make the choice they did?

How were they feeling? Powerless? Brave? Scared?

“It sounds like you were feeling really brave.”

What are you feeling? Is it anger? Anger is typically a secondary emotion.

What did you feel first? Communicate the primary feeling authentically.

“A, I was so scared! You’ve never done that before and I didn’t know where you were or if you were safe! People were out looking for you!”

Develop Empathy in Child

When you share your authentic message with the child and listen to understand, you are keeping communication open.  This allows the child to have empathy for you instead of resentment or fear.

“That’s a big deal for you, I know.  Also…I was scared and I’m worried you’ll do it again without me knowing.”

Allows Child to Think and Process

A was able to problem solve on her own because she felt heard and understood. Listening with intent to understand meant that I could know the reason for her choice, and honor her needs, while also letting her take responsibility for problem-solving.  And since she had a part in solving the problem, I know that I can trust her in this situation next time.

Identifying our own feelings is critical to move from anger to our more vulnerable, first level feelings, It allows us to communicate without blame, making space for the child able to hear our message. Mostly though it moves closer to a trusting and lasting relationship that we can enjoy through a lifetime.

Here is some more information on managing our own anger with my friend and colleague, Catherine Dickerson.

 

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Other articles you may enjoy:

When Kids Say Mean Things

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen the First Time

Why Parents REALLY Get Angry at Thier Kids

Categories: Behavior & Discipline, Big Kids (6-12), Development 1 Comment / Share

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🚀 The Magic of “What’s Your Plan?” 🚀 🚀 The Magic of “What’s Your Plan?” 🚀

Ever feel like you’re stuck in a never-ending shoe battle? 🥴

You start with a gentle reminder… then a choice… then a consequence… then a full-on “Put on your dang shoes already!” 😵‍💫

Instead, try this: “What’s your plan for getting shoes on today?” 👟

✨ Boom—instant shift! ✨

You’re no longer giving an order (which kids love to push against). Instead, you’re giving them autonomy while still assuming shoes are happening. Now, their brain kicks in:

🧠 “Oh, do I have a plan? Nope… guess I need one!”

They figure it out, they take action, and they move one step closer to independence. 🙌

Give it a try and tell me what happens! ⬇️💬

—

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In this class, you'll learn powerful tools to reduce power struggles and build strong, respectful relationships with your kids.

Message me or comment below if you want details! 💙
“How dare you defy me!” 😱 Gulp.

The word “defiance” always makes me pause. What do we really mean when we say a child is being defiant?

They won’t listen.
They won’t cooperate.
They won’t do what we want.
But… what if what we want isn’t compatible with what they need in that moment? And what if their “defiance” is really just them using the only tool they have to stand up for themselves? (Because let’s be honest—kids see power being used all the time!)

What if, instead of labeling it as defiance, we listened? What if we got curious about what was so important to them that it was stopping them from helping us?

💡 Here’s an example:

Child A wears a new hat to school. Child B snatches it off her head.
Teacher takes the hat from Child A.
Child A, totally incensed, SNEAKS it back. Twice.

At first glance? Defiance.
But when the teacher listens, she learns that Child A isn’t being stubborn—she feels punished for someone else’s actions.

So the teacher gives her more information:
"The hat was distracting me while I was talking, and I needed to finish."

And just like that, the child responds:
"Well, if I knew that, I would’ve put it in my backpack. Can I do that instead? I’m worried it’ll get taken sitting out like that."

✨ BOOM. Cooperation. ✨

Instead of wielding power and getting defiance in return, the teacher communicated—and got a natural, thoughtful solution.

Isn’t communication the best?! 😍

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One of the biggest reasons I teach Parent Effectiv One of the biggest reasons I teach Parent Effectiveness Training? 👇

Because I used to wonder: Why do some kids tell their parents everything while others hide it all?

When my kids were little, I was determined to figure this out. And what I found boiled down to two simple (but not easy!) things:

✨ Acceptance & Listening. ✨

When kids feel accepted—when they know we’re truly listening without judgment, criticism, or unsolicited advice—they open up. They feel safe. They feel loved. ❤️

Is this hard? YES. Especially when they share something that makes you want to scream, panic, or hand them a 10-step plan for better choices. 😅

But here’s the thing: My kids tell me.
They tell me when they’re in a mess and need help.
They tell me when something is weighing on their conscience.
And most of the time—once they’ve been heard—they actually ask for advice.

One simple phrase that helps:
👉 “Do you want me to just listen, or do you want advice?”

If they want advice, I share it—gently. If they don’t, I zip it. (Not easy, but worth it. 😆)

And you know what? The time for advice always comes.

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Or 3-year-olds… or 5-year-olds! 😆 Does it re Or 3-year-olds… or 5-year-olds! 😆

Does it really matter if they insist the cup is blue when it’s clearly purple? 💜➡️💙

Does it matter if they say, “No, these aren’t Vans, they’re Airwalks!” 🤷‍♀️

Does it matter if they swear the teacher won’t care… even when you know the teacher definitely will?

NO. No, it doesn’t. 🙃

They’ll learn. This will pass.

I’ve learned to just say “OK” and move on. They heard me. They’ll process it (even if they never admit it). And more often than not… it sinks in. 😉

Don’t forget I have a class coming up that will help you out of power struggles like a BOSS!

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9:30am-12:30 PM PACIFIC TIME 

Link in bio
Tired of nagging? Here’s what actually works. L Tired of nagging? Here’s what actually works.

Last week, we talked about who owns the problem—a key part of the Behavior Window in Parent Effectiveness Training. If your child is struggling, they own the problem. Your job? Listen and guide.

But what happens when you own the problem? 🤔

Let’s say:
🚿 Your child leaves wet towels and clothes on the bathroom floor.
⏳ Your child plays Legos before school and is running late—but you have a meeting to get to.

They’re not bothered. But you are.

So how do you get them to change—without nagging, bribing, or battling?

💡 Enter the Confrontive I-Message. It’s a simple way to communicate clearly so your child actually wants to help. It has three parts:

1️⃣ Describe what you see (no judgments like “messy” or “irresponsible”).
2️⃣ Explain the impact on you.
3️⃣ Share how you feel about it.

Here’s how it might go:

🚿 Scenario 1: The Wet Towels
👩‍👧 “Hey Maya, I have a bit of a problem I could use your help with…”
(This gives your child a moment to shift into Helper mode.)
👧 “Okay…”
👩‍👧 “When wet towels are left on the floor, I don’t have one to use and have to find a dry one. It’s frustrating to do that while dripping wet.”
👧 “Oh… sorry, Mom. I’ll go pick them up.”
👩‍👧 “Thank you!”

⏳ Scenario 2: Running Late
👩‍👦 “Hey kiddo, I’m a bit worried because it’s almost time to go, and you’re not ready for school. I really can’t be late for my meeting.”
👦 “Okay, let me just add this last piece, and I’ll hurry up.”
👩‍👦 “Thank you, I’d appreciate that.”

Sound too good to be true? Maybe. Maybe not. Sometimes, kids just need to understand the impact of their actions instead of hearing nagging reminders. And yes, sometimes they still resist… but we’ll talk about that next time. 😉

✨ Want to make parenting easier? These skills take practice, but once you start using them, conflicts smooth out, parenting feels lighter, and your relationship grows stronger.

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Sometimes things like finding the shoes, not being Sometimes things like finding the shoes, not being late, making sure the homework gets done feel so urgent.

So we insist.

We rush things.

We pressure.

What if we didn’t? These moments are not emergencies. No one will be harmed if we are late to that party or even late to school. No one.

Except maybe our kids’ self esteem.

Maybe our relationship with them.

The thing is, most things in parenting that FEEL like emergencies, are not.

It’s ok to slow down.

It’s ok to revisit the homework issue when you’re in a place of compassion.

It’s ok to wait.

When we wait and recognize these moments are not emergencies, NOT reflections of us, we find that we do not send stressed children off to school, we do not have a child crying over the missing shoes or unfinished homework.

You wait, the shoe might be found, it might not.

You wait and listen about how hard, or stupid, or boring the homework is and then you figure it out. Together.

This is my mantra when I feel like rushing everyone or engaging in a power struggle.

“Is this an EMERGENCY?”

Most often it’s not. The question slows me down, helps me prioritize the people in front of me instead of the things that need to get done.

#slowdown #parenting #parenteffectivenesstraining #sandiegomom #parentingclasses #emotionalawareness #raisethechildchangetheworld #hitpause See less
This is a big one! If you want your child to tell This is a big one! If you want your child to tell you the big things, it's tricky if they hear you judge others. They may not think you will accept their own truths and stop sharing with you. 

One of the most powerful ways of showing acceptance is Active Listening. When a child expresses a problem, try not to offer advice, solutions or analyze. Just listen, reflect back what you hear, and watch them continue to think the problem through on their own. 

One of the most powerful ways of showing acceptance is Active Listening. When a child expresses a problem, try not to offer advice or solutions or analyze. Just listen, reflect back what you hear and watch them continue to think the problem through on their own. 

Sign up below:
https://respectfulparent.com/pet-course/ #parenteffectivenesstraining #sandiegomoms #sandiegoparentingclasses #attachmentparenting #parentingclasses #rie #respectfulparenting #sandiegoparents #parenteffectivnesstraining #RespectfulParenting #sandiegomom #respectfulparent
Parent Effectiveness Training is made up of a very Parent Effectiveness Training is made up of a very specific set of communication skills that enable parents to positively influence their children’s behavior. It is a blueprint for following the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you.

At the very root of P.E.T. is a belief that children aren’t bad or mischievous; they simply behave in ways that satisfy their particular needs at the moment. A baby cries because he is hungry; four-year-old sticks her hands into a can of paint and spills it on the carpet because she wants to play with the paint, to explore; a sixteen-year-old comes home later than you feel is safe because he feels a need to be with his friends.

Children have the right to meet their needs, but parents do too. It is in meeting these conflicting needs that most parent/child relationships get into trouble. Some parents insist on obedience from their children, so they get their needs met at the expense of the children meeting theirs’. Other parents, wishing to spare their children any hurt and aggravation, give in and let their children get their way, but then the parents suffer. Either way, someone is left feeling resentful of the other. It is this constant cycle of power struggles and the subsequent pent-up resentments that result that slowly begin to erode the parent/child relationship.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. There is a third option: Both parents and children can get their needs met. 

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