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When Fear Takes Over Your Child

June 5, 2018

Fear

Fear – it’s one of those emotions that can be alarming to parents. Typically we want to help children move past it and show them that everything is perfectly ok – that there’s nothing to be afraid of,  or that we can stop their fear for them. We do all sorts of things to stop the fear. We spray monster spray, we avoid leaving our child at daycare, or even in another room to use the bathroom, shower, sleep. Fear can be so, well…scary!

Let’s examine this:

Fear is Just a Feeling

I’ve written about feelings and accepting them as the child’s own before because when we try to fix feelings we often send the message that feelings are not ok. Letting a child cry while just listening and letting it be without wanting to stop it or make it better is hard. However, listening sends the message of acceptance, that how they are feeling right now is perfectly normal, acceptable and probably even needed for the child to move through it.

Letting a child express emotions shows them that they can handle feelings, that feelings pass on their own and they don’t need someone else to stop them or to take over. They learn when feelings are fully expressed that feelings serve a purpose and have a beginning and an end. They learn that feelings change!

When we start to feel the way the child is feeling, it might be that we are starting to “own” the child’s feelings as our own. That is, we are taking over the feeling for them, feeling sorry for them, helpless or even frustrated. “When you can see the child as a person separate from yourself, you can empathize with a child’s feelings without becoming disabled by them” as this modified quote from Thomas Gordon put it so clearly. This helps them work through the problem with support rather than taking ownership away from them which tells them they can’t handle the problem and that’s probably not what we want to say at all.

We Might Be Making it Worse

When we freak out because our child is afraid, it sends the message that their fear is so scary it scares you, too. Instead of accepting the fear as normal, we unintentionally send the message that it must be really scary if my strong parent is acting like this.

Here’s an example: Long ago when my son was 3 years old he had some severe separation anxiety. He didn’t like it when I left him in his car seat to grab an item like sunglasses from the house. To solve this, I told him I would run as fast as I could to get the item and see how high he could count before I returned. He would still cry but then he was crying AND counting and it was just a mess. I was distracting him from his fear, not letting him experience it and allowing for him to learn that I come back and he’s fine.

I mentioned this in a group and one of the moderators jokingly (sorta) said, “Well, of course, he’s afraid, you’re literally running to stop his fear. You know he’s alright when you go to the house, right?” Of course, rationally I did know this, “but he didn’t seem fine.” I told her. She said then, “You want to send the message, that you, the grown-up know that he’s ok. When he knows that YOU know he’s ok, he’ll stop reacting so strongly.” Sure enough, that was the case. I started walking calmly to get my sunglasses instead of running with urgency, and you know what happened? My son was calmer;  I wasn’t sending the message that he should be afraid. I was letting him know that it’s ok if he feels that way, but I know he’s safe and so I will behave that way. I started to just listen to and acknowledge his fear and then do my thing.   I thought I had the accepting feelings thing down; turns out fear was my Achilles heel. Learn and grow.

 

 You Might Also Like:

I Accept the Mess – Kelly Meier, Respectful Parent

A Different Kind of Cry – Kelly Meier, Respectful Parent

Fear: Nothing to Be Afraid Of – Linda Adams, Leadership Effectiveness Training

More Helpful Stuff for Better Active Listening – Georgina Watson, Parent Effectiveness Training

 

 

Categories: Behavior & Discipline, Big Kids (6-12), Emotional Health & Safety, preschoolers (age 3- 5), Teens, Toddlers 1 Comment / Share

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✨ Boom—instant shift! ✨

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Give it a try and tell me what happens! ⬇️💬

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“How dare you defy me!” 😱 Gulp.

The word “defiance” always makes me pause. What do we really mean when we say a child is being defiant?

They won’t listen.
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They won’t do what we want.
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What if, instead of labeling it as defiance, we listened? What if we got curious about what was so important to them that it was stopping them from helping us?

💡 Here’s an example:

Child A wears a new hat to school. Child B snatches it off her head.
Teacher takes the hat from Child A.
Child A, totally incensed, SNEAKS it back. Twice.

At first glance? Defiance.
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Instead of wielding power and getting defiance in return, the teacher communicated—and got a natural, thoughtful solution.

Isn’t communication the best?! 😍

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One of the biggest reasons I teach Parent Effectiv One of the biggest reasons I teach Parent Effectiveness Training? 👇

Because I used to wonder: Why do some kids tell their parents everything while others hide it all?

When my kids were little, I was determined to figure this out. And what I found boiled down to two simple (but not easy!) things:

✨ Acceptance & Listening. ✨

When kids feel accepted—when they know we’re truly listening without judgment, criticism, or unsolicited advice—they open up. They feel safe. They feel loved. ❤️

Is this hard? YES. Especially when they share something that makes you want to scream, panic, or hand them a 10-step plan for better choices. 😅

But here’s the thing: My kids tell me.
They tell me when they’re in a mess and need help.
They tell me when something is weighing on their conscience.
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One simple phrase that helps:
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And you know what? The time for advice always comes.

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Or 3-year-olds… or 5-year-olds! 😆 Does it re Or 3-year-olds… or 5-year-olds! 😆

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Does it matter if they swear the teacher won’t care… even when you know the teacher definitely will?

NO. No, it doesn’t. 🙃

They’ll learn. This will pass.

I’ve learned to just say “OK” and move on. They heard me. They’ll process it (even if they never admit it). And more often than not… it sinks in. 😉

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Tired of nagging? Here’s what actually works. L Tired of nagging? Here’s what actually works.

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👧 “Oh… sorry, Mom. I’ll go pick them up.”
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Sometimes things like finding the shoes, not being Sometimes things like finding the shoes, not being late, making sure the homework gets done feel so urgent.

So we insist.

We rush things.

We pressure.

What if we didn’t? These moments are not emergencies. No one will be harmed if we are late to that party or even late to school. No one.

Except maybe our kids’ self esteem.

Maybe our relationship with them.

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It’s ok to slow down.

It’s ok to revisit the homework issue when you’re in a place of compassion.

It’s ok to wait.

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You wait, the shoe might be found, it might not.

You wait and listen about how hard, or stupid, or boring the homework is and then you figure it out. Together.

This is my mantra when I feel like rushing everyone or engaging in a power struggle.

“Is this an EMERGENCY?”

Most often it’s not. The question slows me down, helps me prioritize the people in front of me instead of the things that need to get done.

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This is a big one! If you want your child to tell This is a big one! If you want your child to tell you the big things, it's tricky if they hear you judge others. They may not think you will accept their own truths and stop sharing with you. 

One of the most powerful ways of showing acceptance is Active Listening. When a child expresses a problem, try not to offer advice, solutions or analyze. Just listen, reflect back what you hear, and watch them continue to think the problem through on their own. 

One of the most powerful ways of showing acceptance is Active Listening. When a child expresses a problem, try not to offer advice or solutions or analyze. Just listen, reflect back what you hear and watch them continue to think the problem through on their own. 

Sign up below:
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Parent Effectiveness Training is made up of a very Parent Effectiveness Training is made up of a very specific set of communication skills that enable parents to positively influence their children’s behavior. It is a blueprint for following the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you.

At the very root of P.E.T. is a belief that children aren’t bad or mischievous; they simply behave in ways that satisfy their particular needs at the moment. A baby cries because he is hungry; four-year-old sticks her hands into a can of paint and spills it on the carpet because she wants to play with the paint, to explore; a sixteen-year-old comes home later than you feel is safe because he feels a need to be with his friends.

Children have the right to meet their needs, but parents do too. It is in meeting these conflicting needs that most parent/child relationships get into trouble. Some parents insist on obedience from their children, so they get their needs met at the expense of the children meeting theirs’. Other parents, wishing to spare their children any hurt and aggravation, give in and let their children get their way, but then the parents suffer. Either way, someone is left feeling resentful of the other. It is this constant cycle of power struggles and the subsequent pent-up resentments that result that slowly begin to erode the parent/child relationship.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. There is a third option: Both parents and children can get their needs met. 

Learn More or Sign up:
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