– by Liz
This is a follow-up post to “10 Things Not to Say to a Stay at Home Mom.”
I have been in the unique situation of experiencing both being a full-time working mom and a full-time SAHM in the eight months since having my baby. After my three-month maternity leave, I went back to work full-time for four months before deciding to stay home.
I really enjoyed my job, but had poor daycare options, a 45 minute commute and not great pay. So I had a really tough time trying to figure out what I should do.
While wrestling with my decision to continue to work or stay home I was confronted with A LOT of opinions. Some on one side. Some on the other.
Here is a list of some of the ridiculously insensitive comments made to me by those in favor of me staying home:
1. Don’t you want to be the one to raise your kids?
2. What if they call the nanny/daycare provider mom instead of you?
3. The greatest job you can have is mom, I don’t want you to miss out on that.
4. They grow up so quickly. I just don’t want you to have any regrets about missing their childhood.
5. I feel like, why even have kids if you aren’t interested in parenting them?
6. Can’t you at least go part-time? (yes, because it’s soooo easy to transition a full-time job to part-time)
7. It must be SO HARD to work full-time and have a baby. How do you manage?
8. He/She just misses her mommy so much.
9. So since you’re going to work, you can’t breastfeed anymore, right?
10. How will she develop a secure attachment to you if you’re apart all day?
Yeah, so this list? Totally unhelpful things to say to a working mom. When I heard these things, I remember feeling overwhelmed with guilt and like I was totally selfish for wanting to continue my career. After all, now that I was a mom, the only thing that mattered was my baby, right?
WRONG! Just because a woman has a child doesn’t mean her previous life has to come to a screeching halt. If she enjoys working a job she’s passionate about, and it fits with her family’s success, then she should feel liberated to go for it. Because again … the best thing for baby is a happy, fulfilled mommy.
And if you’re curious how to emotionally support a working mom, try this:
“I’m so glad you were able to strike a balance between being a doting mommy and having a successful career. You are doing an awesome job and your baby is lucky to have you!”
All you working moms – what terrible things have people said to you? What do you wish they had said?
Guilt Guilt Guilt from all sides – when does it end??? I’m so grateful that my mom watches my son while I work a 40 hour/week desk job, but it KILLS me when she tells me all the incredible new things he does while I’m away 🙁
Ugh the mommy guilt is the worst! There is no easy way out of this working vs staying home situation. Both come with their sacrifices. It sounds like you have an awesome support network though.
Your mom should learn the daycare trick – tell the parent the child is *about* to do something and let the parents think the first time they saw it was the child’s actual first time. 🙂
Thank you! I think all mothers should be celebrated, I am both a stay at home mom, and a full time working mom, both have ridiculous challenges. Thank you for cheering for both groups!
Thank you for showing us a kind and respectful way to talk to Moms!
I found no. 8 a real guilty trip inducing type of comment, but all the others are real possibilities rather one likes it or not. Sorry I can’t be more supportive this time.