Screen Time Without Power Struggles for Big Kids

Parents have so much angst about screen time. I see it in online groups daily, in the classes I teach, and amongst our friends. 

Screen time has to be the number one thing parents worry about: 

Will it ruin their children’s brains? 

Do they limit it? 

How much is too much? 

Should they monitor it? 

Is it a free for all? 

How do parents control it? 

What is the answer? 

What if I were to tell you that there’s a way to not worry about it, that there is a way for kids to develop their own self-control and self-monitoring around screen time?

I have an unconventional perspective around screens because I don’t believe we need to control screens – and this may make you stop reading right here, but stay with me for a moment while I explain. I think what so many parents in respectful parenting circles want to avoid is the use of control in parenting. They want to use collaboration and respect their kid’s needs while also respecting their own. They want to have open and honest communication – EXCEPT around screens. When the topic of screen time comes up, all bets are off! Probably because parents don’t see another way, but also because there is some real fear in the messages parents receive about screens. 

However, I think there is another way, I think we can parent around screens without using control. Consider this quote from Thomas Gordon “Children don’t rebel against their parents, they rebel against their parents’ use of power.” And this still holds true for screens, it’s just a little harder to see. 

Screens Aren’t  All Bad

Back in the day, parents thought kaleidoscopes would rot kids’ brains, they also thought 17 Magazine would rot girls’ brains, and if not, Saturday morning cartoons would surely do it! Not to dismiss the very real science behind screens and neurology, but whatever happened to balance in this conversation? Parents often jump straight to control rather than trust. They also don’t tend to consider what positive things their children might be learning from screens. I know from watching my own children, and I don’t take what they are doing – and learning- lightly. 

They are building whole intricate worlds in Minecraft, Roblox, and yes, even Fortnite, just to name a few. They are collaborating with friends, they are making or strengthening friendships, they are achieving goals, and they are learning conflict resolution as they figure out how to politely tell someone they can’t join their game because they are right in the middle of a big Fortnite battle.  Video games have provided so many opportunities for my kids to come to me and ask how to handle a conflict that I am convinced they will grow up to be master mediators by trade. So while weighing the negatives, I urge you to also consider what they are getting out of these “villainous” games. There might be more value in them than it appears on the surface. 

Try Them on For Size

Have you ever played these games with your kids? If you haven’t you might consider it. Not only will it give you a bonding experience and possibly deem you the coolest parent ever, but you also might learn something about your child when you try these games on for size. When you enter their world, you might learn that the reason they won’t get off right away when you ask, is because if they leave a game right that minute, they leave their friend hanging or that their team loses because their teammate had to take out the trash. Their processes of completion, teamwork, and problem solving are stunted when they have to log off for what might seem like a pretty arbitrary reason when viewed through this lens. I try to imagine that it is much like if I were writing a blog post and was in full creative flow and my partner came in and told me I had to stop, or, even worse, turned off my computer before I got to a good stopping point or hit save! 

Stopping Without Power Struggles

As you might have guessed, my prerogative on stopping is not about control, it’s about respect, so when it’s time for dinner, or I need a little help… I offer them some connection and then some autonomy.  Children do get entranced in their screens, so step one for me is to briefly enter their world. I ask what they are doing in the game, check out what they’ve been building, and ask them to tell me a little about it. This shows them that I value what they are doing and therefore, value them.

After I’ve been able to connect in this way, I gently help pull them out by giving them clear information about my needs. This might sound like “Dinner will be ready in 20 minutes, what’s a good stopping point in that cool village you’re building?” (Minecraft parents nodding here). This puts the ball in their court and gives them a chance to consider your needs while also finishing up their train of thought, creative process, or socializing. It gives them enough time to finish and it also allows them to understand they probably shouldn’t start another game if they only have a few minutes left. You’ll be amazed at how much more cooperation you’ll get when you approach them as being willing to help you rather than resisting you.  To quote Ross Greene: “Children do well if they can.”

Balance and Long Term Goals

Considering all this, I still didn’t want my kids in front of video games or TV all day, so rather than setting limits around screens, I talked to them about my values around having a balanced life. Having a balanced life means making room for ALL the things you love and getting in some responsibilities too. In my instance, I talked about the things I love and how sometimes if I only focus on one thing for a long time, I tend to neglect the other things I love. I talk about how my body feels if I’m writing or working all day, my neck might get sore, my eyes might start to hurt or I may get a headache. I might also miss out on playing with them or talking with their dad and it’s important to me to ‘feed’ ALL the things I love so they flourish. 

In our house, we tried an experiment after we got a game station. The kids played as long as they wanted for a week. I checked in occasionally to see how that plan was going and for the most part they were happy and still excited with the new purchase.  But on day 3 or 4 they started to come to me with statements like “Mom, I think I’ve played too long, my neck hurts, my fingers hurt and my body feels like it really needs to move!” I nodded with understanding but didn’t say anything. 

Pretty soon they were cutting back on hours and I noticed this aloud “You’re playing basketball today, that’s new.” 

To which I got the response of “Yeah, mom that was too much, I missed seeing my friends in person, and drawing and basketball.”  

“Ahh…. you got enough of it, the newness has worn off…? Now it’s time to feed the other things you love?”

“Yes, I get it now, nothing is good ALL THE TIME.”

When you throw kids a little give and take, or a little trust, and let them learn on their own, those are the most powerful messages of all. It can be easy to give lectures that frustrate us and our children, but letting them learn and really trusting them can allow you to have the kind of relationship where there is no need for them to rebel.  You’re raising kids that trust you and listen to your concerns because you allowed them to grow. When you use your influence, not your control, in the long run, that has the most power.

Feed what you love. 🧡

Below is a video I did on how our family managed video games:

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Screen Time Isn’t All Bad – Scary Mommy

Parenting is Broken in 2020 – Gary Vaynerchuk

One Tip to Foster a Growth Mindset in Kids – Respectful Parent

The Secret to Staying Calm When You’re Mad – Respectful Parent